travel by plane and environment
In today's modern world, there is a belief in some people that take a trip by air plane cause numerous effect to the atmosphere, thus they think that air plane must be limited. However, I personally tend to disagree with this statement.
From the environmental point of view, there are many solutions to replace the current fuels and protect the environment. First, instead of using gases or oil to function the vehicles, we can replace it by the other natural resources which can be restored by itself and make sure that it will be environmental friendliness. For example, we can find the way to reuse old oil or invent a plane which can use greener sources. Second, you must know that it is not only the air plane cause pollution in the environment, numerous vehicles such as motorbike, car and train are also caused pollution too. Therefore, by simply discouraging air travel, we can not decline the contamination in the air quality.
Another significant reason for my opinion about this issue is using air plane will enable you to save your money. For instance, a price for one ticket to travel from Vietnam to the United States will much cheaper than paying for fuels, foods or repairing the car if it breaks down. Furthermore, there is no train for you to travel straight to America, so you need to change many trains if you want to come there. Moreover, the industry's income will be decreased significantly because air travel is one of the major sources of money for country's economy.
In conclusion, while there are undoubtedly downsides inevitable when travel by plane, I on the belief that the benefits are far weightier than the drawbacks.
Can somebody give me an advice to fix my essay.
Thank you so much for your help.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15463 Okay, the original prompt clearly asks "To what extent do you agree or disagree?". Your response does not give an extent of your disagreement. Simply having a tendency (tend to) does not reflect the required measured response. The proper response could have been; "I tend to strongly disagree with this statement because (state 2 topic reasons)... The degree of your opposition must be outlined in the paraphrase section because that will help you stay on track within the actual reasoning paragraphs. You will avoid prompt deviations that way.
Your first reasoning discussion is not related to the given topic. Focus only on airplane travel as indicated in the prompt. Do not change the topic. That is a prompt deviation which will not be scored by the reviewer. The word count for that paragraph will be deducted from your overall presentation, which normally translates into less than the word count. That brings your essay down to 165 words, which means you will have a severe word count reduction penalty, which means the word count alone could make you fail the actual test.
Add to that the other scoring errors in your presentation and the run on sentence in the conclusion, which does not contain 40 words or at least 3 sentences to summarize the discussion points and you will find that you have not produced and essay that can get a passing score. Never deviate from the prompt topic, never use unrelated discussion topics, never write less than 3 sentences for the summary conclusion.
Actually, if you review the original prompt, you will find that your essay actually failed to discuss the actual topics provided which are:
- air travel should be restricted because it causes serious
pollution
- uses up the world's fuel resources.
Based on the provided discussion points, your essay doesn't really discuss the given points as required. Your discussion is all over the place and does not focus on air travel alone. You also did not discuss why it is believed that airplanes use up the world's fuel sources. So your discussion is more irrelevant to the given topic than relevant. There were 2 topics to be discussed but you wrongly focused on only 1 side of the discussion.
