Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

IELTS1: American consumers' average yearly expenses on moblie phone and landline phone services

hiimming04 2 / 9  
Aug 28, 2020   #1

US consumers' average annual expenditures on cell phone

The graph illustrates American consumers' average yearly expenses on moblie phone and landline phone services from 2001 to 2010. The main feature of the graph is two opposite trends in the amount of money allocated for these two types of service with the significant growth in the spending on cell phone services and the decline in that of residential phone services for a period of 10 years.

Starting at $200 in 2001, the expenditures on mobile phone services are less than that on landline phone services by approximately $500. One year later, this situation changed with a sudden increase to $300 in the former while the latter had a tendency to drop at under $700. These two opposite trends occurred continuously for 4 years until they were in the same position ($550) in 2006. Then the money paid out for cell phone services continued to go up at over $600 whereas the other fall at under $500 in 2007. For the next 3 years, the situation was obviously similar to the situation in the period from 2003 to 2006. By 2010, the expenses on cell phone services are nearly twice as much as that on landline phone services.

* *๐‘ƒ๐‘™๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘ ๐‘’ ๐‘š๐‘Ž๐‘˜๐‘’ ๐‘ ๐‘œ๐‘š๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘š๐‘š๐‘’๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘  ๐‘œ๐‘› ๐‘š๐‘ฆ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘ก ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘”๐‘–๐‘ฃ๐‘’ ๐‘š๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘™๐‘™ ๐‘ฆ๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘Ÿ ๐‘Ž๐‘‘๐‘ฃ๐‘–๐‘๐‘’, ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘˜ ๐‘ฆ๐‘œ๐‘ข ๐‘ฃ๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘ฆ ๐‘š๐‘ข๐‘โ„Ž ๐‘–๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘’๐‘’๐‘‘!

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,003 3877  
Aug 28, 2020   #2
You have improperly formatted the presentation. The normal presentation for this report falls under the 3 paragraph presentation comprised of:

Group 1: Summary overview + trending statement
Group 2: Immediate information presentation
Group 3: Analyzed information + overlapping information presentation

While I strongly advocate for the clarity that the 3 paragraph presentation allows for in this presentation, that is not to say that the 4 paragraph presentation is incorrect. However, I find that the 4 paragraph presentation forces the student to write more, without actually considering the clarity and relevance of the presentation, which is the focal point of scoring in the Task 1 essay.

Writing more will never assure a student of getting a better score. That is clearly seen in your presentation where spelling, coherence, and cohesiveness issues remained in the presentation. A clear sign that you decided to meet the word count only, regardless of the quality of the presentation in relation to the scoring rubic.

The information overview would have been more complete if you had taken the time to also add the source of the information. Kindly remember that if an information source is included in the image, that should be reported as well based on the accuracy of data requirement of the presentation. The source material reference can help create a better sense of validity for the information presentation.
OP hiimming04 2 / 9  
Aug 29, 2020   #3
Thanks from the bottom of my heart ๐Ÿ’– This is the first time I have practised writing task 1. I will follow your advice and rearrange the format in next essays. Moreover, I will take notice of the source of information ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS1: American consumers' average yearly expenses on moblie phone and landline phone services