Hello! I would very appreciate reviewing of my first writing for GRE. I especially need the evaluation of my grammar, the words such as "could"/"would" and sequence of tenses. I am also interesting if the sentences that I use are not abstruse or turgid. Any feedback would be great!
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The following appeared in a letter from a homeowner to a friend:
"Of the two leading real estate firms in our town - Adams Realty and Fitch Realty - Adams Realty is clearly superior. Adams has 40 real estate agents; in contrast, Fitch has 25, many of whom work only part-time. Moreover, Adams' revenue last year was twice as high as that of Fitch and included home sales that averaged $168,000, compared to Fitch's $144,000. Homes listed with Adams sell faster as well: ten years ago I listed my home with Fitch, and it took more than four months to sell; last year, when I sold another home, I listed it with Adams, and it took only one month. Thus, if you want to sell your home quickly and at good price, you should use Adams Realty."
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.
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The argument that choosing the service of Adams Realty will lead to faster and more beneficial selling a home, than using of Fitch Realty service may seem logical at first glance. The author makes valid argument, one that would be correct if its premises were true. However, her conclusion relies on assumptions for which there are no clear evidences.
First, the homeowner assumes that the amount of real estate agencies increases the chances to sell the home quickly and profitably. In fact, there can be no link between these characteristics of real estate firm. Suppose, for example, that one firm has many agents that do not work to the full extent; on the other hand, suppose that another firm has few agents, but they work intensively and have the same amount of clients that the first firm has. In this example, it is not valid to conclude that the possibility to sell home quickly and at good price depends on the amount of agents. In order to better believe that Adams Realty is superior, the homeowner need evidence that the both firms work with the same productivity, and therefore the number of their agents influents on their profits.
Furthermore, the author of the letter, when compares the revenues of two firms, provides no information regarding their service charges or classes of homes that have been sold by them. The writer implies that it is reasonable to compare only two amounts of money; however, it could always turn out that the company which got less revenue may specialize on the cheaper houses. Also, this company may have fewer service charges, and therefore the seller would get more profit with that company. The author's argument would be strengthened sufficiently if she provided evidence that Adams Realty and Fitch Realty work with the same class of houses, and they have equal service charges.
Additionally, the homeowner assumes that demand for the homes on the market have not changed for 9 years. She compares her own experiences in selling homes ten and one year ago; however, she does not take into account that for such a long period of time the situation on the market might have changed sufficiently; she also does not mention if she was selling comparable types of homes. The argument's conclusion requires the support of evidence demonstrating that the demand on the market has not changed for 9 years. For example, she could demonstrate that if she sold homes ten and one years ago using service by one company, the time it took would be the same.
To conclude, the argument of the homeowner suffers from lack of strong evidence. It relies upon unstated presuppositions, such as assuming that both firms work with the same productivity, and therefore chances to sell home depend on the number of agents that your company has. To better convince her friend, the homeowner should provide additional evidences regarding the productivities the companies have, the classes of houses they sell, service charges they take, and she should reinforce her own experiential example with comparing demand on homes ten years and one year ago. With this additional information, the argument of the homeowner would be much more convincing when it concludes that her friend should use Adams Realty's service.
