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Analyze an Argument for GRE--Riverside Recreational Facilities

chalumeau /  
Mar 31, 2012   #1
"In surveys Mason City residents rank water sports (swimming, boating and fishing) among their favorite recreational activities. The Mason River flowing through the city is rarely used for these pursuits, however, and the city park department devotes little of its budget to maintaining riverside recreational facilities. For years there have been complaints from residents about the quality of the river's water and the river's smell. In response, the state has recently announced plans to clean up Mason River. Use of the river for water sports is therefore sure to increase. The city government should for that reason devote more money in this year's budget to riverside recreational facilities.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on the assumptions and what the implications are if the assumptions prove unwarranted."
from GRE ETS website

I wrote this essay in 30 minutes exactly. What do you think of it? Any tips for improving?
If you wish to score it, the scoring guide is posted on the website:
ets.org/gre/revised_general/prepare/analytical_writing/argument/scorin g_guide

louieylove 2 / 20  
Mar 31, 2012   #2
This is written in a typical 5 paragraph format; with the topic sentence and thesis in the began, describing what is going to be discussed in the paper, in the paragraph order. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing because of the nature of the paper, it just reminds me of middle school papers. One thing that I would suggest changing is the way you start each paragraph. It sounds like "first, next, and then" in not so many words. Again, i don't know if it is written like this because of the audience.
OP chalumeau /  
Mar 31, 2012   #3
The GRE gives you 30 minutes for an essay and it's the best I could do in 30 minutes.
I'll think about varying the beginning sentences a little more.
Yes, it is a middle school or early high school essay format. Pretty boring, almost pointless except for the purpose of testing whether someone can or cannot write coherent English.

Did you notice any grammar errors or irregularities?
louieylove 2 / 20  
Mar 31, 2012   #4
I would say that some words are repeated multiple times, but like before I don't know if that matters enough since it's only 30 minutes and it's not a term paper. I didn't see any errors, i liked your sentence formatting and good use of semi colons and colons. Nonetheless, your point is coming across and i think that is all that matters in this situation.
mclite77 2 / 15  
Apr 7, 2012   #5
Just read your essay. Good solid ideas. Use transitional words to give it a smoother flow to the next paragraph much like a movie without a commercial.
srtheesa 2 / 2  
Apr 10, 2012   #6
Hellow every one.I'm very eager to study the pattern of essay writting?Is there any rules for the five paragraph essay.plz can somebody can help me??

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