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IELTS Writing Task 1 #Antarctic ozone hole and damaging gases

Eileen0216 1 / 1  
Mar 14, 2020   #1
My target score is 6.5 and if you could give a feedback of my writing, I would really appreciate it! Thanks!

Antarctic ozone hole and damaging gases

The line graphs give information about different types of damaging gases which change the size of Antarctic ozone hole from 1980 to 2000.

During the past two decades, the size of ozone hole in Antarctic area kept growing steadily and reached at 240,000 square kilometers in 2000. Comparing with other two gases, the production of freon has undergone the largest degree of fluctuation, while that of NO2 and H2O2 has generally increased.

The year 1985 witnessed a big change taking place in freon. To illustrate, the production of freon has been rising rapidly since 1980, peaking at 200,000 metric tonnes in 1985. Since then, however, its production began to fall to a great extent, reaching the bottom of 40,000 metric tonnes.

In contrast, the production of NO2 and H2O2 was markedly growing from 1990 to 2000, reaching 158,000 metric tonnes and 80,000 metric tonnes respectively, while both of them stabilized between 1985 and 1990.

To sum up, the production of NO2 and H2O2, which contributed to the damage of Anatarctic ozone hole, will continue growing, and that of freon seems to keep decreasing in the future.

vuthuylinh2611 19 / 61 1  
Mar 14, 2020   #2
I think you wrote a fairly good essay. In your first paragraph you summarize the information in both chart. I have some reckons as follow

You should use some cohesive device to link yoir two ideas in your second paragraph and be more careful with prepositions (should be "reach" not " reach at").

You should also revise your verb tenses. The information in the chart is in the past so you should use past simple instead of present tenses.

In your conclusions you included your prediction which is redundant. The question only ask syou to summarize the data. Including your opinion can make you lose mark.
OP Eileen0216 1 / 1  
Mar 15, 2020   #3
Thank you for your feedback! Very useful! I'll correct my writing later! Thx again!
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,013 4242  
Mar 15, 2020   #4
The summary overview is incorrectly written. Each image, though related to each other in content, is presented using different data representations. Therefore, each graph should have been presented in individual descriptive sentences. An example of this is:

2 related line graphs were presented for analysis. The first graph, measured the size of the Antarctic hole and was measured in square kilometers. The second graph presented, measured the production of damaging gases in the thousands of metric tons. The gases measured were Freon, NO2 , and H2O2. Both images represented a study from 1980-2000. The trend for the antarctic hole graph is... While the measured gases were inclined to represent...

It would be good for you to start the practice of at least 3 sentences per paragraph as required by the GRA scoring. Do not overuse the Oxford comma in your presentations. Instead,use a variety of punctuation marks such as a semicolon, colon, percent sign, etc. That way you can show an ability to properly use punctuation marks in relation to grammar range and accuracy, as well as cohesive and coherent paragraph presentations.

Based on these observations, it is possible that the highest score you can receive will be within the 4-4.5 bracket.
Chung1002 2 / 6  
Mar 15, 2020   #5
In the first pragraph , maybe you have to describe more to take longer introduction like this :

The provided line graphs below show the information about the number of toxic gases in the three different types ( freon , No2 , H2O2) which is effecting on the size of Antarctic Ozone Hole in the two decades.

Good Jobs.
phong3baotap 7 / 19 4  
Mar 16, 2020   #6
You can use the phrase "LAGGED THAT OF" as an alternative to making the sentence sound better and provide more information:

In contrast, ... respectively, while. Both of them ... and 1990 as the figure for H2O2 lagged that of NO2 by a significant margin.

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