I would highly appreciate if you could give me some feedback on my essay and a possible band score. Thank you in advance!
social networking sites
Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on both individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?
It is true that some people think that social networking sites have had a damaging effect on individual people as well as communities. While I agree that such sites as Facebook have caused detrimental impact on individuals and society, I believe that their benefits should not be neglected.
On the one hand, the effects of Facebook and other social networking sites on each individual person and aggregate of people can be considered prejudicial. Social media sites can make us misconceive between the meaningful relationships fostered in the real world, and the various relationships established through virtual world. Rather than taking part in their local community, people are instead interested in people and activities online. Consequently, the relationships between citizens in real communities increasingly weaken. Moreover, social networking sites encourage people to be more public about their personal lives, which means that the users' privacy shall be easily invaded.
On the other hand, it is absurd to deny the beneficial effects that online social media has had. Comparing to the time before the development of technology and social networking era, people easily lost track of their friends and hardly ever had opportunities to meet with people all around the world frequently like today. Another advantage that Facebook can offer is its social groups. This is of great use to individuals of the same interests to participate in discussions and share with each other. Last but not least, Facebook may come in handy in terms of updating information due to its functionality of newsfeed.
In conclusion, although social networking sites include some disadvantages to each person and community, we should not dismiss all other outstanding aspects as detrimental.
Good essay but recommend you to write at least 2- 3 sentence at the conclusion.
At second paragraph, I don't think that it is a great idea to start from on the one hand. Rather than this, 'First reason for my opinion is that~' would be nice at least to me.
->effects of Facebook, other social networking sites on each individual person, and aggregate of people
2. This is my personal opinion. If you can describe each content in detail, that would articulate your point. Since you compared both sides and do not support either pros or cons of social media, you had better describe how much severe the social media devesate the relationship in modern era and how much it endanger private issue.
On the other hand, you also can articulate what kinds of value it can bring to our daily lives in detail, which could persuade readers to understand your point.
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Tuan, this cannot be a good essay. It is a failing essay because you did not discuss the topic in the manner that was instructed of you in the original statement. You decided to discuss the positive effects of Facebook, in particular, when the instruction was for you to discuss the extent of your disagreement with the belief that social network as a negative impact on the public. There is no positive discussion to be given. Only a supporting discussion for the negative side. You will have automatically failed the TA section which means, that there is no way this essay can get a passing score. You created your own prompt requirement (the positive effect of social media) and then discussed that in a comparison manner in the essay. That is a totally irrelevant discussion that does not allow you to portray your English skills in the manner that the examiner expects to see. Such an error in the TA section, which is the total basis for the rest of the scoring elements, would result in an overall score of 1. That means that your response is not related to the task. As such, the rest of the scoring elements will no longer be considered. If you don't follow the prompt, you don't pass the test. It's as simple as that.
Good article with construction.
Here are my personal views.
1.I think it will be better if we answer the question directly after paraphrasing the original prompt when we are not sure about what the question is implying.
2.It is odd to use "on the other hand" at the beginning of the second paragraph when you did not elaborate clear ideas at the first paragraph.