Kindly rate my essay with a band score. Thanks in advance !
Is there anyone in this world who does not want to be rich? Money plays a vital role in one's life and most of the people work for money. There are few who claim that money is not everything and it is not the prime reason for working. But, I strongly feel that being in a materialistic world, many are working only to become rich and richer.
The world is already in a race where each one is competing with the other in terms of status and lifestyle in living. Both husband and wife are working to satisfy their financial needs and for their children's future. Without money no one can survive in this world.
For example, if someone keeps thinking about the job satisfaction and loyality with the company without switching jobs definitely he/she will be receiving less pay compared to the ones who changes the company.
On the contrary, there are people who live with their principles and ideologies. Self-respect, being faithful with the company, to earn goodwill are the principles of those kind of people. Setting up their dreams, acheving their goals are significant activities rather than money. Receiving appreciations and promotions from the higher management make them feel happy than getting cash or incentive bonus.
Having said these, without satisfying the basic human needs which can be bought only with the help of money no one will be able to state that money is NOT the foremost thing in life.
Also, only a person who is running a settled life can live upholding his principles than money.
Uhh I had to search it up, but I'd say band seven? There are a few grammar things here and there that make me stop and reevaluate what you wrote. What was the prompt for this?
Help me tew? :D
From 6.5 to 7,
I highlighted phrases that seem unnatural in your essay. Correct them and post it again if possible!
Is there anyone in this world who does not want to be rich? Money plays a vital role in one's life and most of the people work for money. There are few who claim that money is not everything and it is not the prime reason for working. But, I strongly feel that being in a materialistic world, many are working only to become rich and richer.
The world is already in a race where each one is competing with the other in terms of status and lifestyle in living . Both husband and wife are working to satisfy their financial needs and for their children's future. Without money no one can survive in this world.
For example, if someone keeps thinking about the job satisfaction and loyality with the company without switching jobs definitely he/she will be receiving less paycompared to the ones who changes the company.
On the contrary, there are people who live with their principles and ideologies. Self-respect, being faithful with the company, to earn goodwill are the principles of those kind of people. Setting up their dreams, acheving their goals are significant activities rather than money. Receiving appreciations and promotions from the higher management make them feel happy than getting cash or incentive bonus.
Having said these, without satisfying the basic human needs which can be bought only with the help of money no one will be able to state that money is NOT the foremost thing in life.
Also, only a person who is running a settled life can live upholding his principles than money.
Is there anyone in this world who does not want to be rich?
This implies that everybody wants to be rich. However, there can be people, especially who are more spiritually oriented, who really do not care about money. Mahathma Gandhi, Leo Tolstoy are good examples for such people. So, you should be more careful when making generalizations. I suggest you to open the essay with the second sentence;
Money plays a vital role in one's life and most of the people work for money
This one provides a good entrance to your essay.
Dumi ,
Thank you :) Sure . Will correct that one.
quocthai7005 ,
Thanks a lot.
I have corrected the essay as below,
Money plays a vital role in one's life and some people work only for money. There are few who claim that money is not everything and is not the prime reason for working. But, I strongly feel that being in this materialistic world, many are working only to become financially sound.
The world is already in an economy race where each one is competing with the other. Both husband and wife are working to satisfy their financial needs and for their children's future. Without money no one can survive in this world.
For example, a person who is ready to switch jobs to attain a higher level in his/her career will be receiving more monetary benefits compared to the ones thinking of job satisfaction and sticking to the same company.
On the contrary, there are people who live with their principles and ideologies. Self-respect, being faithful with the company, to earn goodwill are the principles of those kind of people. Setting up their dreams, acheiving goals are significant activities rather than money. Receiving appreciations and promotions from the higher management make them feel happy than getting cash or incentive bonus.
Having said these, without satisfying the basic human needs which can be bought only with the help of money no one will be able to state that money is NOT the foremost thing in life.
Also, only a person who is running a settled life can live upholding his principles than money.
Let me know if this looks fine !
The essay is nearly perfect! You write smooth and coherent sentences!
However, I feel that the following paragraph should be more relevant to your statement in the introduction part
On the contrary, there are people who live with their principles and ideologies. Self-respect, being faithful with the company, to earn goodwill are the principles of those kind of people. Setting up their dreams, acheiving goals are significant activities rather than money. Receiving appreciations and promotions from the higher management make them feel happy than getting cash or incentive bonus.
I feel that you are showing disapproval of this group of people, am I right? If yes, you should give lucid reason (such as: 'they will not earn a good salary to support their life...') and example (if possible)
*Note: your essay contains 242 words, be careful if this is an Ielts essay.
Money plays a vital role in one's life and some people work only for money. There are few who claim that money is not everything and is not the prime reason for working. But, I strongly feel that being in this materialistic world, many are working only to become financially sound.
You display good writing skills - good grammar, vocabulary etc. However, this introduction does not introduce your topic in its real sense. Your topic is not based on people's desire for money. It is about the primary objective of working. Here, the focus is somewhat drifted. Pay more attention when you introduce the background of the topic to your reader. Always maintain a proper alignment with the prompt.
you stimulated a great issue , well done , i agree with you