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Rich countries should give the poorer other types of help instead of a money. How do you see that?


baochau 1 / 1  
May 22, 2015   #1
Hello,
I am working on an IELTS essay about financial aid to poor countries. It is supposed to be written in 40 minutes, with at least 250 words. Could you please give me your advice/comments on my essay below? Thanks so much.

Question: The money given to help poor countries does not solve the problem of poverty, so rich countries should give other types of help instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay:
It is true that an enormous amount of money has been poured into impoverished nations to help them escape from poverty. While this solution is sometimes effective, I personally believe that financial aid does not fully tackle the problem, and other types of aid need to be implemented.

Firstly, money given to destitute nations does not always reach people in need. In developing countries, lack of transparency and an ineffective management system has enabled prevalent corruption in government body. It is therefore likely that monetary support from other countries would bring about benefits to only governmental officials instead of the poor.

Another problem with giving out money is that in most cases recipient countries do not have necessary resources such as manpower, technology, infrastructure or management system in place to make the best use of financial aid. For instance, in my country, a large amount of money from foreign governments was spent on building health care centers in rural areas , but those centers were soon abandoned or operated at less than one tenth capacity due to lack of health care professionals, lack of electricity and clean water, etc. Another illustration would be in agricultural field. We received monetary support from international funds to increase productivity of crops, but we had no experience in conducting researches before implementing a project, in project management and evaluation. As a consequence, large amount of money was wasted on ineffective programs proposed by incompetent leaders.

Furthermore, it is undeniable that financial aid can sometimes do more harm than good, worsen the situation in poor countries. Some developed countries gave out monetary support to ruling oligarchy in some African countries under the name of economic development, but for hindered political reasons as well. They might want to gain international preference, to win support from their citizens before election, or to enhance their political influence in recipient countries, etc. In such cases how the money would be spent was not their concern. Leaders in recipient countries therefore used the money to strengthen their position, by enriching themselves or purchasing weapons to suppress opponents. Had it not been for the financial aid, people in these poor countries might have been able to overthrown their incompetent, greedy authority. Financial aid in this case became an obstacle for revolutions against dictatorship, social progress and poverty eradication.

In conclusion, monetary support alone could not eliminate poverty/ Other types of help such as technological support, staff training, infrastructure development and management system improvement is required to handle the problem.

vangiespen - / 4,140 1449  
May 22, 2015   #2
Hi Diep,

I must commend you on your expertise in the use of the English language. The proficiency that you display and the formation of your paragraphs show that you have spent time learning the rudimentary English grammar rules and how to apply it to your essay. While this would easily rate a 6.5 or a 7, I believe that the essay could be further improved by concentrating on a very important factor of your essay. The experience of Vietnam with regards to the use of foreign aid is a topic that should have been the central focus of the essay.

Why do I say that? Simply put, the strongest essay discussion or evidence is always the one based upon the personal experience of the writer. In this instance, your country, being a recipient of foreign aid would have been the best evidence to use for your agreement with the statement provided. By expanding upon the experience of your country and the shortcomings of the foreign aid financial programs, you would have provided the strongest possible argument in support of the need to receive alternative help from rich countries.

Alongside this discussion, you could have also given some specific examples of alternative help that your country could have benefited from instead of the generic mention of types of alternative help that could be extended to the country. These examples would have tied in directly with the example of the way financial help does not work well for your country and how the alternative help could truly be the lifeline that the impoverished people of Vietnam need to get a step up in life.

Overall, this is a very strong and solid essay that already works in this form. The suggestions I made are only meant to help you tighten and focus the content of your essay on a strong central theme for discussion within 40 minutes.
OP baochau 1 / 1  
May 22, 2015   #3
Thanks Vangiespen for your helpful advice on strengthening ideas in the essay. If possible, could you please give me some more advice/comments on grammar and vocabulary to improve this writing?
Trias 23 / 41 14  
May 22, 2015   #4
Hi, I would like to share the basic structure in writing an IELTS essay for writing task 2 from my lecturer:
- Introduction paragraph: restate general topic and thesis statement
- Body paragraph(s): controlling idea, means of support (example, detail data, reason, effect), concluding sentence (optional for multiple idea in one par.)
- Concluding paragraph: summarize, restate thesis statement

Pay attention more to your collocation, use of words and punctuations, some examples as below:
In developing countries, the lack of transparency and an ineffective management system has enabled prevalent corruption in government body.
Another problem with giving out money is that in most cases recipient countries do not have necessary resources such as manpower, technology, infrastructure or management system in place to make the best use of financial aid.

In conclusion, monetary support alone could not eliminate poverty/.
Naph 9 / 17 6  
May 22, 2015   #5
I think you write essay as a native language, it's a higher level than me.
I mentioned in point, I think more better you do not word of "etc" it can be weak your essay.
I hope you are successful
Naph
Hettymsk 9 / 9 9  
May 23, 2015   #6
Hi @baochau!

I read you essay is very good but you actually need to separate your writing into 4 main paragraph:

1) The first para would be introduction which stated general topic that you could paraphrase from the given topic. I see that you did not even make an intro para.

2) you should put this one in the second para

It is true that an enormous amount of money has been poured into impoverished nations to help them escape from poverty. [...]

3) this one in third para

Another problem with giving out money is that in most cases recipient countries do not have necessary resources such as manpower, technology, infrastructure or management system in place to make the best use of financial aid. [...]

4) and this one in fourth para

Furthermore, it is undeniable that financial aid can sometimes do more harm than good, worsen the situation in poor countries. [...]

5) and the last para is conclusion.

well, for the content, you must also mention about the advantages of the topic given though you are more into the disadvantages. Because it will give you extra points to your final score. That's all i can help i hope it'll be helpful to you.
aseprudi 20 / 29 16  
May 23, 2015   #7
Hallo Baochau,
I would give you some suggestion for improving your IELTS essay.

In developing countries, lack of transparency and an ineffective management system has enabled prevalent corruption in government body. It is therefore likely that monetary support from other countries would bring about benefits to only governmental officials instead of the poor.

Actually, your essay is perfect. However, this short of example will be better if you incorporate the scientific fact. To exemplify, you can mention of of the country for supporting your idea regarding lack of transparency in developing country.

Some words use abbreviation, such etc. which is absolutely forbidden. I suggest you to reduce the abbreviation.
I hope you obtain high score on IELTS.
Good luck


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