The purpose of businesses is to make money and they should concentrate only on this. Do you agree or disagree?
Some people have their own reason to start a business. Some of them say that business is the fastest way to boost their money, other believe if business is not only about get a high profit but also learning about life and improve the capabilities.
Money could make people happy, so individuals want to get money faster. One of the ways is becoming an entrepreneur. Many people always think this way because there are many public figure used to be rich man and they want to follow this path. As example, I ever see a seminar about " How to Become Rich!" and the result is they have a tendention to open a restaurant or small factory because they can get more money in a short time than when they work at the office.
In contrast, the process to become a successful entrepreneur is the hardest path. On this process, people neither always get much profit nor many consumers, so they should struggle how to attrack people that they would buy the product. The learn to manage employers (although it just one or two), build leadership skills and interact to consumers or investors. I have a friend who ever talked to me about this matter. He run a restaurant. He said than the journey of business is not about money. Money is a bonus, but he learn to understand himself as if he is the one who get a huge problem and he should solve it. So, he learn to manage everything.
In conclusion, I believe that there other reason in business world than just making money. Our capasity as people who always thirst of knowledge make us learn better in the enterpeneurship.
Your introduction is quite captivating, you only should add a thesis statement to make clear in what stance your essay is supposed to. Thus, I ought to suggest you to write clear topic sentences in each body paragraph, apparently there are none of those, instead you started from supporting points.
Without topic sentence your essay would be easier to get over the topic. Anyway, to make you get along with disagree/agree essay model, my suggestion is try to built this formula for body paragraphs:
Topic sentence (agree/disagree statement) + supporting point 1,2,3.... (which means the reasons why people agree/disagree) + explanation + examples (if needed)
Good luck and don't forget to sleep well during IELTS preparation months, as I read somewhere sufficient time for sleep will endure your REM to work optimal, you will be easier to memorize patterns and vocabs those you've learned.