Letter to apply a training leave in order to complete the pursued diploma

Hi all, thank you very much for your time in advance. would like to check if the tone is right, enough variety of vocab and what would you score (if possible).

(IELTS GT WRITING TASK 1) Letter to Manager

You are studying for a qualification, and you would like some time off work to complete it. Write a letter to your manager. In your letter:

- Ask for some time off to complete a qualification.
- Suggest what you will do later at work if you have time off.
- Say how the qualification helps your job or company.

Dear Manager,

I am writing to apply a training leave for 5 days from next Monday to Friday in order to complete the diploma I am pursuing.

As mentioned in the last appraisal meeting, I am pursuing the professional diploma in archival studies which lasts for 6 months. I have finished most of the course modules in weekday evenings while there will be a three-day intensive seminar and essay presentations in the aforesaid period to wrap up the course.

The course is extremely important to my professional and personal development as this could enhance my professional knowledge in archival practices and expand my international network. Not only having learnt the international standards of archival procedures, the professionals I meet in this diploma also shed the lights on how could start off and develop the small-scaled archive in our company. I believe I could contribute to our company with more capacity in the knowledge of archive setting with this diploma completed.

I have copied my subordinate, XX, with most of the currently-handling projects, so that XX could help follow up during my leave. In addition, I could be reached by email during my training leave to offer remote support to XX. I will also return to office half an hour earlier after the week of training week in order to ensure the catch-up of work.

I sincerely hope that you could grant me the training leave and will assist as much as I can to have a smooth handover. Thank you very much for your consideration.

Best regards,
YYY (total 258 words)

@plforielts
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing. If you have more questions, don't hesitate to approach and ask again!

Firstly, I think that you can improve the introduction if you had inserted a brief greeting before you mention what the intention of writing is. Doing this will certainly positively affect your essay because you will follow more of the formal conventions of writing these types of letters.

Try to also ensure that you have more clarity in your writing. For example, if we take a look at the second paragraph's second sentence, you could have divided this into two separate portions to ensure that you are delivering with more ease.

Remember that having a more straightforward approach to writing will always be preferred, especially when you're working with shorter word counts.

@Maria

Thank you very much for your comments. Indeed, I should try a more straightforward way to write the letter!