IELTS essay; assess this essay and show me my mistakes?

Hello,
Kindly could you help me to assess this essay and show me my mistakes?

The two line graph charts show the number of Inernational students in the USA by subject and country over a period betwen 2000 and 2004. We can see that the general major of International Students enetering the university from Asia and some other countries like Canada, Turkey and Maxico. In 2000, the highest number was in chinese students with around 55,000. The next highest number was Japan with almost 46,000 followed by Korea and India with around 40,000 each. Then we can see other countries like Canada and Taiwan with a medium ranking in the number of students, while Maxico Turkey Thailand and Indonesia about less than 2000 wich fluctuated about +- 500 over the years between 2002 and 2004. In comparing between India and China we can see that by year 2004 India had an extremely increase in the number of students with 80,000 making china behind in the second place with around 60,000. From the second chart, which gives us the number of International Students by subject, the most popular subject is buisness and managment with a slight increase and fall in 2002 and 2003 respectively. The next most popular subject is engineering study with almost 80,000 in 2000 with slow growth to reach 100,000 in 2003 then with a dramatic fall in 2004 with around 60,000 students, in contrast with mathamatics and computing which rise from just under 60,000 in 2000 to be almost 70,000 in 2004. In comparing between social science and life science we can see that the life science stays the same of the period while social science increased 50% to reach almost 60,000.

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Write the essay through three paragraphs of "introduction", "body" and "conclusion. Separate each part from another one.


revise the sentence.



use synonym like "greatest", OR "the next greatest number of international students, behind Chinese students , ..."


Start the sentences with more interesting transitions such as :"The charts are also indicative of the fact that...", "The charts depict..". In addition, it would be better to classify the information of the charts into two or three parts and write each part as a separate paragraph in the body.


repetition


write this part as a separate paragraph..


it is not enough to just write something increased or decreased. Use numbers to support your report. How much did it increase or decrease? For example :"it slightly increased from xxx to xxx over xx years. However, a sharp reduction in it occurred (OR "was observed") in 2002 and 2003)."


use synonym such as "field of study"


This sentence is too long.


use past tens.

I wrote another essay, i hope it could score better.

The bar chart above, shows the proportion of students who are good in organizing their finances, by monitoring and checking their account and credit card, and their ability to live at home or rented accommodation.

The most of students- just above three quarter of the total number- live at their home and save that money of renting home, while, the rest around a quarter, do live in rented accommodation.

If we look at the students, who care about checking their banks account, we can see that, the proportion is apparently like the previous one, nearly 75% of the entire students, in contrast with the students that don't check their account at all, approximately 25%.

On the talk of checking bank account, which helps students manage their finances; the percentage of students that pay attention about their credit card statements are slightly less, roughly under 60%, while up to 40% don't check or even look for it.

From the information given by the diagrams and what written here, we can conclude that the majority of the students in this area don't spend money on renting accommodation. About their ability to manage their finances, by comparing the students who check bank account with and who check credit card statements, we can see that, students need to be more careful and responsible of how they are spending money by reviewing them frequently.