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I ate the candy eleven years ago but the bitterness and sweetness of life remains!


xpmichy 3 / 8  
Dec 13, 2012   #1
The two beggars still lay on the street. It's 6pm. The wind is bristling and roaring as I tuck my face back into my scarf and snuggle in to prevent my cheeks from turning any more red. My dad and I walk up the stairs slowly as I continue turning back looking at those beggars. One of them turns his head and looks at me. I quickly turn my head back.

"Dad, can I give them some of the food we bought..?"
"To who?"
"Them," I say, turning my head in the direction the beggars sat.
"Oh silly girl, you can't even take care of yourself and you want to give them food? Come on, let's go."
My dad continues walking up the stairs, leaving me in the dark. Without thinking, I run down the stairs and give the beggars a sandwich I had bought from the grocery a while ago. The beggars look up and one beggar puts his hand out in front of me. I reach my hand out and see a peppermint. I smile and quickly run back up the stairs to my grandmother's house.

"Thank you."
That was eleven years ago and ever since then, the peppermint has still been with me to this day. I ate the candy eleven years ago but the bitterness and sweetness of life remains. The sweetness of life includes from joining the track team to attending the College Now class at Hunter College. The bitterness of life includes from getting my neck injured to crying when my grandmother went back to China for vacation.

It was just a few days ago when this memory shook me hard. Hurricane Sandy had just struck New York and my grandmother's house was hit badly. For a few days, she didn't have any light on and the days just worsened. There was no water or electricity and the majority of the people had to walk down to the 4th floor and carry a bucket of water back to their own floor. For two days, I helped my grandmother carry water up and down the stairs. I realized how sweet candy can be sometimes here. When the 4th floor ran out of water during the second day here, everyone walked down to the first floor where water was and started bringing it up.

When I reached the first floor, I felt that I had bit into the sweetest candy ever. Volunteers and organizations were passing out food for people to eat. People lined up to receive their food, army men were guiding the people where to go and the most important thing of all, people cared. People cared that the east coast had just suffered from a hurricane. People carried that there were people starving. This memory made me realize that and sometimes, like a peppermint, life is bitter and can hit you hard but there are times where life is sweet as well.

critque and edit my grammar pls? it would help loads if you did that!

Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Dec 13, 2012   #2
The wind is bristling and roaring as I tuck my face back into my scarf and snuggle in to prevent my cheeks from turning any more red.

The wind was bristling and roaring as I tucked my face back into my scarf and snuggled in order to prevent my cheeks turning red.

I think it would be easier and better had you written this in the past tense.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Dec 13, 2012   #3
"To who?"

To whom?

I think it would be easier and better had you written this in the past tense.

I too agree with Pahan.... : )

However, you've done a good job....Also if you indicate the purpose of this writing, you would recieve more relevant feedbacks. Is this regarding a college admission or just a class assignment?
OP xpmichy 3 / 8  
Dec 14, 2012   #4
wow i dun know if you guys are nice or what..cos i just got deferred from a target school and i thought that i had all the stats to get in...

i have a 87 avg, im in a super competitive school in ny, i have done 2 sports teams, bowling and track, i have done many clubs and my sat is 1990 but i got deferred...

today i gave my friends my essay to read and they rated it a 5/10..they said i swtiched topics too much and that my essay wasn't clear

gahh..im so disappointed in myself..

pls do critique me harshly and this is a college essay. if this essay isn't good enough, i have to start a new one so pls do critique.
Kevin2013 1 / 4  
Dec 15, 2012   #5
Well don't be discouraged, it doesn't necessarily mean your other schools don't want you either!

I think you need to focus on getting across what that "sweetness" for the candy really is. Define it, and make it clear.

I'm assuming it's charity or something along the lines of kindness, and the bitterness is hardship, but you need to make it clear to the reader because they might interpret it differently.
Prafull 1 / 5  
Dec 15, 2012   #6
Its a bit incoherent, try to mend it by stitching all the thoughts and sentences of the essay.
OP xpmichy 3 / 8  
Dec 15, 2012   #7
yeah i have noticed that there isn't rly a flow because i put too many topics in the essay. do you guys know how i could stitch it all together? thanks for all the feedback!

im thinking of deleting the entire hurricane sandy part and defining the sweetness of the candy.


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