IELTS TASK1 - Which of Australian household elements use the biggest amount of energy?

Hi everyone,
Please check out my essay and give me some advice. Please feel free to give corrections, I would more appreciate it if you score my essay. I am really thankful for all of you who help me improve my IELTS writing skills.

The first chart below shows how energy is used in an average Australian household. The second chart shows the greenhouse gas emissions which result from this energy use.

TASK1 - Australian energy household

Generally, the two biggest usages of household energy use are heating and water heating, while water heating and other appliance both play pig role in greenhouse gas emissions.

We can see from the fist pie chart that in terms of energy use, heating accounts for the highest percentage in the six terms, which is 42%, and water heating occupies the second place at 30%. Although the percentage of refrigeration (7%) is smaller than other appliance (15%), it is still lower than the two percentage, cooling (2%) and lighting (4%). The percentage of cooling is the smallest that the percentage of heating is 21 times bigger than it.

On the other hand, the percentage of water heating plays the biggest part (32%) on the chart for greenhouse gas emission. Other appliance ranks the second position in the six aspects, which is followed by heating (15%) and refrigeration (14%). Cooling remains the smallest percentage (3%), and its percentage is much lower than lighting (8%). It is obvious that only in terms of heating, the percentage of energy use is bigger than greenhouse gas emissions, while the other five aspects have smaller percentages of energy use than greenhouse gas emissions

• 
  20161129174033_583d4.png
  

Hello. I think that it would be better to begin with - if observe our chart more tactfully and more deeply that is clearly seen that - instead - we can see.

Ronia, the Task 1 essay always scores its best when the essay is presented in 4 paragraphs with 3-5 sentences each. The proper paragraph presentation is:

Par. 1 - Summary overview with trending statement
Par. 2 - Analysis set 1
Par. 3 - Analysis set 2
Par. 4 - Comparison analysis

Your essay kicked off with a trending statement but no summary overview. The summary overview should indicate:
1. Topic sentence
2. Type of illustration
3. Measurements used
4. Analysis instruction
5. Trending statement

The presentation you used is not totally clear when one considers the actual presentation requirements per paragraph or analysis per paragraph. It would be best for you not to present the actual information from the pie chart in a parenthesis. A parenthesis often refers to optional or clarification information which a task 1 essay never contains. All of the information is required in the presentation and relevant. Therefore, the numerical information should be presented as a part of the sentence presentation rather than in parenthesis.

What I would like to commend you on is your presentation. You analyzed the information from the pie chart in a n acceptable manner that could use improvement. Your grasp of the English language is intermediate in presentation which helped you create acceptable moderately complex sentences. Good job! I look forward to reading your next practice test.