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Automobiles, bicycles, airplanes - which transport form has changed people's lives the most?

xuandieu 1 / 3 1  
Jun 8, 2015   #1
my writing is very bad so that i'll be very happy if you can read and give me some advice. thank you so much !

12. Choose one of the following transportation vehicles and explain why you think it has changed people's lives.
* automobiles
* bicycles
* airplanes
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Nowadays, transportation vehicles are increasingly developing and modern which have considerable influence on people's life. However, in my opinion, bicycles have changed people's life drastically. First, considering the past, bicycles were the first transportation vehicles invented before any today vehicles. They were invented in the early 19th century with simple parts; however, in that time, they were so luxurious facilities that its appearance changed people's life which took a step for inventing more modern vehicles. Second, driving bicycles is good for health, which people today always want to achieve. Many researchers show that riding bicycle helps against heart diseases, high blood preasure, ... because when we move continuously, redundant fat in your body will be consumed, which keeps fit. This is the reason, nowadays the old is always encouraged to ride bicycle in order to have a healthier life. Last but not least, riding bicycle is friendly to environment which people are trying to maintain. Specially, in modern life, when the environment is increasingly destroyed by people's awful actions, beside the vehicles such as motorbikes, cars, airplanes, ... which absorb much fuel, bicycles are the best choice to keep environment fresh. In the nutshell, although there are always new vehicles invented, bicycles keep an irreplaceable role in our life because they has changed people's lives from the past with being the first vehicles and their benefits to people's health and environment.

lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Jun 8, 2015   #2
I would be happy to help you improve your essay. First, I want to help you with organization.

There is very little in the opening paragraph to grab the reader's attention. I think you can add one or two more sentences.

The second paragraph should begin with the sentence that begins with "First". The third paragraph should begin with "Second". The third paragraph, "Third" rather than Last but not least.

The end of the essay, you should replace "In the nutshell" with "In summary"

Grammar changes by paragraph:
-I prefer opening an essay with, "Today" rather than Nowadays. You can change modern to modernizing. This will help the reader to understand that vehicles are constantly changing. Also, put "a" before considerable.

-Switch these words around from today vehicles to "vehicles today". You could make two sentences. I think you should replace facilities with goods. Form a new sentence and begin with "Their appearance..."

-There needs to be a word before health. Would you like to use "your". In the next sentence you need to cite your source. Did this information come from a book, website, etc? Ex: (Title of the article, Year). Place "a" after ride.

-Place "a" after riding. Do you want to express how it is eco-friendly to the environment? This next sentence needs to be revised. You can form two sentences.

-Change the word keep to "have", when discussing how bicycles are irreplaceable. I'm unsure about the last part of the sentence. Do you mean that bicycles were the earliest forms of transportation?
OP xuandieu 1 / 3 1  
Jun 8, 2015   #3
lcturn87. oh thank you very much. This is not a complete essay. It's just a paragraph. My teacher asked me to write a paragraph for it so that it's quite short. i'll correct it. Your advice is very useful for me. Thank you again :)
OP xuandieu 1 / 3 1  
Jun 8, 2015   #4
another para of mine :))))))
One essay in one thread please

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