The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development

senior development position in IBM, microsoft and apple

The bar diagram demonstrates the proportion of men that participated in the senior development area in three different technology companies over a period of 30 years, starting from 1980.

Generally, it is immediately obvious that the participation of men in 2010 took the highest percentage compared to the other years in three companies.
Over the course of 30 years, IBM company witnessed a considerable increase to over 60 percent at the end of the period while its beginning percentage was extremely low, which was less than 5 percent. Particularly, its proportion in 2010 was nearly double to the data in the last 10 years. Regarding Microsoft company, its percentage remained relatively the same, at 10 percent on average, from 1980 to 2000 while shooting up to over 40 percent in 2010. The Apple corporation, on the other hand, had the highest proportion among the three companies in 1980, it gradually increased by 10 percent over three decades.

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You need to use a 3 paragraph presentation format for this essay. There is a 5 sentence maximum for each presentation paragraph. So the summary overview should be 3-5 sentences, then the same for the next 2 paragraphs. However, you presented a 2 paragraph essay with one under developed presentation (summary overview) as it is a run-on sentence. You need to make sure to represent the information within the required format. The second paragraph should have been cut at the presentation for the Microsoft company and Apply Corporation.

The main problem with your presentation is that you have extremely long sentences. You have to learn to divide the presentations into individual sentences. One idea per sentence. Otherwise, the run-on sentences do not make so much sense to the reader. Compressing information is never advised in the Task 1 essay as you are scored on the clarity of your analysis of the information provided.

@Holt
Thank you very much for your advice! It's very helpful. I'll try to re-write the overall sentences as well as divide long sentences and separate the main section into 2 parts.