TOEFL - Writing based on knowledge and experience - TOEFL in 2 days

Hello, my first post here. I am really in need of somebody to proof read my essay just so I can evaluate my current level for the upcoming exam.

I have a general question as well about writing this kind of essay. Is it fine to actually include my personal experience in it?

Topic: Some adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

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I believe that independence from parents is an important step in forming the young adults personality. The turn point from a young adult to an independent mature adult relies on the capability of tackling own problems, managing own finances and making own choices.

I would like to believe that parents invest in their children in order to see them become their own person one day and see what kind of person their teaching and guidance would form into. As much as it must be a hard choice for both sides, when is a better time to see that happen than the time that you are still there for them and capable of supporting them in case they need somebody to run back to. Somebody who will always has their door open for them to come back to at least till they get back up on track. At some time or another they ought to learn and make mistakes.

My first experience of independence was right after highschool. An eighteen years old straight out of his parents home to a university in a country thousands of miles away from home. From having most meals ready, to cooking his own meals. From having his clothes washed to having to wash his own clothes. From home, to searching for an apartment in a city he does not know anybody in.

That year. That year was the year that actually formed the basis of my personality. The year that taught me how to stand up for myself, tackle my own problems and manage my finances. How to manage living with room mates that came from half a world away, from a different culture and different manners. You learn a lot. You get experience in situations you could not get anywhere else.

From there, that first independent year, if you make it then you can get only forward from there.
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Would appreciate any tips you can give.
Elia

Hey Ean, yes it is purely fine to add your own personal experience, it rather makes your essay more strong. It was a well written essay with a personal example. You need not to write it like you are talking. for example:

That year. That year... (you can straightaway start from that year... do not repeat it)
Another important thing the most difficult part in writing TOEFL exam is writing under pressure of time. There is a timer for essay and you need to write it in a time limit. So make sure you are practicing your essay under time-constraint.

Also, do reduce the length of your sentences, it will save you time as well. Like in this one:
I would like to ............. form into.
I believe that parents invest in their children to see them growing as an individual person under their guidance and teaching.

The essay was good but you need to provide a conclusion too that relates to your introduction. Write a good conclusion as good as your essay.

Wish you all the best and do let me know if you need any more help :) I will be around :)

Thank you for your feedback. You have helped a lot.