TOEFL; Knowledge without Experience is not fruitful!

I am going to appreciate those who read my writings and give me tips about it.
please give some idea about my writings.
Experience is the best teacher (2)
With the help of knowledge, individuals are able to make better decisions in their lives. However, getting knowledge without any experience does not lead to prosperous life. Nearly all walks of people are convinced that experience is essential for starting a work.

A large number of people are united in one belief that gaining experience administer helps to them to remove obstacles which they encounter in their tasks and jobs. Furthermore, experience leads them to avoid repeating same errors which they did in the past. On top of coping with difficulties, getting experience broadens our minds and horizons and contributes to making more logical decisions in the future.

Apart from all, experience does not obtain from books or sciences. In fact, experience is gained by making mistake. A case in point is, those students who are unable to solve a math problem, gradually learn the way of solving it. They make a lot of mistakes during solving it and lastly, they find out their errors and make a real effort to remove them.

Last but not least, science and knowledge play pivotal role in our lives and experience is the origin of them. In other word, knowledge is originated from experience. In olden days, novice physicians were not able to cure their patients since they could not diagnosis the cause of their illnesses due to not having experience. Which is why, a huge number of people died and no one was able to guess what was the reason of death. With the course of time, they got experience and learned about the symptoms of diseases and transfer their experience to next generation in the form of knowledge.

Accordingly, I believe that experience is the best teacher which one can have. Without experience, we confront problem in our lives. Besides, experience results us in make better and logical decision in our lives. Thus, I think experience is the best teacher.

Which indefinite article are you missing here....(hint: between to and prosperous)


This sentence is a little awkward. Instead eliminate Nearly all walks of people and put ....A diversity(or multitude) of individuals are convinced....and what do you mean by "starting a work", have you added an unnecessary article??



did you switch to first person here??? what do you need instead??


I see you have an unnecessary comma and it obstructs the flow of the sentence, which by the way reads like an incomplete clause..


problem should be plural, since many of us have multiple problems...and since you use we...(you switched back to first person)

Okay, you need to have a logical flow of your argument (i.e. experience is king over knowledge). You build your thesis but it becomes a long list of "why" instead of an explanation to supplement your "why", Understand? I see you have included examples towards the end, but again it is a list of examples. you should have a claim, then back up your claim with evidence

Here is how your paper should he organized:::

Intro: a brief introduction to the topic, which will include your thesis (your side of the argument (for or against)
Body:
[i] reason 1: with example/evidence
reason 2: with example/evidence
Conclusion: wraps up your argument and reiterates your thesis
[/i]

I know you can do it!!!


...This is very true:)

android21 has provided you with an excellent feed back! :)


... " acquire" is a better word that goes with knowledge :)


It is "people from all walks of life" and not "all walks of people".



This is a weak sentence.... I guess you can present it better;
Without experience we cannot face problems effectively.

"get" is not something you use with knowledge. Try
However, acquiring knowledge without any experience does not lead to a prosperous life.


This sentence is unclear. Let's rephrase it..
Nearly all kinds of people are convinced that experience is essential for starting work.