The benefit of becoming a business man or women are greater than being an employee

Question : Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organisation. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?

In the past, many people prefer to work in a company or became civil servant than have their own business but now, many inhabitants choose to start up a business. Although there are many obstacles which they face in order to make their business steady. I believe that the benefits of becoming entrepreneur outweigh the drawbacks.

Become a successful entrepreneur is a risky decision. There is a probability that their business can not work well and they can lose much money. Many business man and women who are bankrupt and lose all their properties because many problems which they face. Another disadvantage is they can not get a steady income. Sometimes they get much money but other days they only get a few. On the other hand, working in a company or become civil servant can give them stable income each month.

Even though it has unpredictable result, many people decide to take the risk because they realize that it can open job vacancy to other people. Many inhabitants who do not have work because they do not accept by the companies. By starting own business can help other to get a job and become an owner means that they become a boss. A further advantage is they will have a flexible time for their family. Whenever they want to take a leave, they do not need a permission from their leaders and wait for acceptance letter from head office.

All in all, I think that the benefit of becoming a business man or women are greater than an employee. They can help others, and become a leader also have much time for family.

Becomebeing a successful entrepreneur is a risky decision

There is aprobability => probability [ uncountable noun]

Many business manmen and women who arewere bankrupt

because many problems which they face => because+ S V whereas because of + noun

a steady income .=>i prefer to write: steady incomes.

a job vacancy
please, pay attention for using article : a/an and do not using them in uncountable nou ns

Hi Farida.
There were some grammatical errors in your essay. However, in this moment, let me tell you my thoughts about contents of your ideas. Let check these.


Honestly, you did not explain your idea systematically. As we can see in the first body paragraph, you ought to review your reason why it brings drawbacks. In my mind, you wanna elucidate that FACING A VARIED OF PROBLEMS IS THE HUGE DRAWBACK. However, it is explained indirectly. That makes your explanation odd. It is better if you give the example about the problem which you mean to strengthen your idea.


You did not attend your supporting sentences to power your mind. It needs the explanation why you said that their income fluctuates.


Actually, that above is a concession or not? If you wanna show that the advantages outweigh the drawbacks, you failed because your concession did not relate to your idea and support that. On condition that is the additional idea, it is out of the topic. Be careful of the edge of the topic. There are micro-keywords which you keep in your mind.


Please, you should give the recommendation to make readers sure you have knowledge deeply about the topic.
FOR EXAMPLE
IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT GOVERNMENT IS ABLE TO ENCOURAGE CITIZENS TO BEGIN BUILDING THE BUSSINESS AND PROVIDE A TRAINING FOR THE START-UP ENTREPRENEURS.

I hope those can give consideration to construct the essay well in the next term.