I'm trying to make my sentences flow smoothly, so give me a score and all your suggestions! my target is 7!! I would appreciate a lot!
ESSAY: What are the benefits of requiring young people to serve the army? Does participation in community work qualify as an alternative?
Nowadays, there are an increasing number of countries require young adults to be trained in the army for at least one year, which has sparked off an intense debate among people. Some people claim that working in communities can replace serving the army.Personally, I disagree with this opinion.
To begin with, this action exerts a positive impact on strengthening and improving the national defense system. Unarguably, every country in the global community is gravely threatened by a series of destabilizing factors such as terrorism, arms proliferation and so forth. Recruiting young individuals into the army can enable them to master the professional and systematic skills of armaments, which is conductive for countries to effectively and sufficiently prepare for those possible crisis and threats.
In addition, this measure contributes to career developments of young individuals. It is simply because that simple and poor living conditions of the army can efficiently shape the characters of those who have already been accustomed with comfortable and cozy lifestyle and make them to become much tougher. Consequently, they are more likely to overcome various hindrances in their careers and to achieve their career successes than ordinary people
Admittedly, young adults not only can gain a variety of practical and transferable skills but also can develop their communication techniques and cooperation abilities by means of undertaking community works. However, all the capabilities and knowledge which are acquired from the army cannot be obtained from community works. Thus, community works cannot serve as an alternative.
To conclude, I concede that participating in community work possesses numerous unparalleled and compelling advantages.Nevertheless, I am still convinced that young adults and the entire society can become the major beneficiaries from this measure.
ESSAY: What are the benefits of requiring young people to serve the army? Does participation in community work qualify as an alternative?
Nowadays, there are an increasing number of countries require young adults to be trained in the army for at least one year, which has sparked off an intense debate among people. Some people claim that working in communities can replace serving the army.Personally, I disagree with this opinion.
To begin with, this action exerts a positive impact on strengthening and improving the national defense system. Unarguably, every country in the global community is gravely threatened by a series of destabilizing factors such as terrorism, arms proliferation and so forth. Recruiting young individuals into the army can enable them to master the professional and systematic skills of armaments, which is conductive for countries to effectively and sufficiently prepare for those possible crisis and threats.
In addition, this measure contributes to career developments of young individuals. It is simply because that simple and poor living conditions of the army can efficiently shape the characters of those who have already been accustomed with comfortable and cozy lifestyle and make them to become much tougher. Consequently, they are more likely to overcome various hindrances in their careers and to achieve their career successes than ordinary people
Admittedly, young adults not only can gain a variety of practical and transferable skills but also can develop their communication techniques and cooperation abilities by means of undertaking community works. However, all the capabilities and knowledge which are acquired from the army cannot be obtained from community works. Thus, community works cannot serve as an alternative.
To conclude, I concede that participating in community work possesses numerous unparalleled and compelling advantages.Nevertheless, I am still convinced that young adults and the entire society can become the major beneficiaries from this measure.
