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IELTS-TASK 2: Young people say that traveling to different countries benefits them and the society.


majid11 1 / 2 3  
Dec 4, 2015   #1
Advanced technology such as plane and train has facilitated transports from one place to another. Therefore, majority of young individuals travel overseas in order to search travelling advantages and exploit them. However, other opponents argue that travelling overseas plays a prominent role in posing deviant behaviors. I strongly assent that travelling overseas is a precious factor.

Undoubtedly, travelling overseas brings to young individuals significant benefits. One of these advantages is they acquire ability to be independent though their parents are in remote places. Furthermore, they increase their capability to how mange finances and plan their future independently. Second advantage is they obtain new acquaintances from all over the world resulting in recognizing a large number of cultures and traditions of their friends. Acquiring new language is also a significant benefit because it assists them to contact with foreigner individuals. Travelling overseas is an essential aspect to expand individuals' knowledge and experience.

Despite the benefits, there are aspects of travelling overseas that may prove harmful to young individuals. One of these drawbacks is they carry out illegal activity. Young individuals are known as curious, so they prefer to experience new items. Initially, they attempt to drink wine. Consequently, they become alcoholic. Another disadvantage is they spend a large amount of money in luxury and entertainment. Ultimately, they become bankrupt after that obstacle could be emerged to them and obstruct their travelling. Psychological problem is another drawback of travelling overseas. Majority of individuals suffer from homesickness, depression, and anxiety during their travelling overseas. All these issues can influence intensely on individuals and also they can be the reason to eradicate the thought of travelling from their minds.

In conclusion, although touring overseas at young age has some drawbacks, it has numerous advantages to young individuals. It boosts individuals' experience and creates more friendship from all over the world.
sharfina 35 / 21 5  
Dec 5, 2015   #2
... search travelling advantages and exploit exploiting them.

I strongly firmly assent that travelling ...

Furthermore, they increase their capability tohow mange in managing their finances and plantheir future future plan independently.

Acquiring new language is also a significantbenefit because a significant benefit as well since it assists ...

... so they prefer to HAVE experience OF new items.
pikul 23 / 26 3  
Dec 5, 2015   #3
It boosts individuals' individual's experience and creates more friendship FRIENDSHIPS from all over the world.

Despite the benefits, there are aspects THERE ARE ALSO SEVERAL ASPECTS of travelling overseas that may prove harmful to young individuals.

Another disadvantage is WHEN they spend a large amount of money in luxury and entertainment. there are 2 verbs there, so you should put CONJUNCTION
Guang 2 / 6 2  
Dec 5, 2015   #4
Hi majid11, I found a plenty of good ideas from your essay, that really be helpful in preparing IELTS. I rewrite this essay according to your opinions and your comments are appreciated.

FYI, some suggestions about essay:
1 space between paragraphs
2 pay attention to the links between sentences by using 'link words ', 'pronoun' - you may see the Rubric of IELTS Writing- coherence and cohesion
3 use diverse expression as to a repeated word: you use travel overseas in your essay for 8 times. see the Rubric of IELTS writing-Lexical resource

REWRITE
The application of cutting-edge technology nowadays, such as large passenger airplane and high-speed train, has significantly improved transportation. As a result, it makes possible for young individuals to travel overseas much frequently. Yet, it is questioned whether the overall effects of this trend have been negative or positive. While there are certainly valid arguments to the contrary, I personally believe that international tour of the young benefits themselves as well as the society at large.

The main advantage is that they could learn to live independently during the journey. Most of young international travelers have to face absolutely strange environment without any help from their parents. They have to plan their travel by themselves in terms of scheduling and budgeting. Furthermore, being exposed to unfamiliar surrounding, encourages young people to make new friends from diverse culture backgrounds. These practices make a huge difference to their socialisation, which could be beneficial to their future working lives.

Equally importantly, though, young generation would be more responsible for their society as they have broad their horizons during the travelling overseas. For example, many young people choose volunteer work in non-profit organisations and fight for a better environment of their countries after their international journey. This might because they experience damages of natural beauties in others countries and endeavor to prevent their own country from the same fate.

On the other hand, Undeniably, young travelers tend to be influenced by local unhealthy lifestyle. They might be exposed to alcohol abuse, drugs (marijuana)or prostitution which are absolutely illegal in their home countries. Once they are used to there 'popular' ways of entertainment and considering it as a normal part of live, they might conduct crime in their country. However, this phenomenon could be occasionally seen in some tourists and can be addressed by serious censorship from governments.

By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that the benefits of international travel of young people overweigh its drawbacks and should be advocated.
OP majid11 1 / 2 3  
Dec 6, 2015   #5
dynaranjani ,
Cruella,
sharfina,
pikul


i appreciate your efforts to show me my errors and your comments are extremely precious to me. i would like to say to you thank you all so much

Guang

when i read my essay which was rewritten by you, i really felt that there was a professional teacher behind this kind of writing. i really appreciate your effort to show me how i can adjust my writing
Guang 2 / 6 2  
Dec 6, 2015   #6
Hi majid11, I do have some great english teachers behind me, but I am a IELTS candidate just like you. I make many mistakes as you do.

I would say studying the IELTS writing is a arduous but rewarding process, write and rewrite according to feedbacks, focus on the their difference, that helps you make progress on a fast pace.

Hope you do better in the future. cheers

Guang


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