If I had a power to change one thing about my country, I'd try to establish some companies to make a lot of job vacancies and employ people especially who are poor and unemployed.
With making job vacancies, poor people can get a job. Moreover, plenty pf illegal jobs will be removed we won't see any vendors in whole of the country anymore. Furthermore, the percent of the crimes will decrease. Because, most of the criminals happen when people don't have any financial support.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of graduated people who either their job is unrelated to their skills or are unemployed whereas they have spent some years in universities and studied hard, but they cant find any ideal job.
In conclusion, if i had a chance to change one important thing here, it would be the lack of job vacancy that it could help our society as well.
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Hi everyone!
I am studying for the TOEFL exam. I would be grateful if you could help me to improve my writing :) Thanks...
I would be more than happy to. My first concern is if you are following the prompt or question that is being given. Have companies been established in your hometown or is this something you foresee happening in your town's future?
I am unclear from the onset or beginning or your essay regarding this opening paragraph.
Remember to write more than one sentence to make a paragraph. I am going to ask you to aim for 5-6 sentences. Try at least 4-5 to develop your topic. Now, I am going to give you some help with grammar. This will be according to paragraph and sentence.
1st paragraph: First, this is a run-on sentence. Your ideas start to become confusing when you don't add punctuation or simplify your sentence so the reader can understand. Try to work on run-on sentences. Change to, "If I had the power to change...I would try to establish companies that create jobs to employ unemployed and underprivileged people". Underprivileged is a way to describe those who are in a lower income bracket.
2nd paragraph: I don't have a particular problem with vacancies. However, I think you could work on word choice. When I read the first sentence, I think you can simply begin the first sentence this way: "If companies created more jobs, poor people could get a job." I'm not sure what you mean by vendors. I think you could explain it as: If legitimate companies posted jobs, other illegitimate companies would be discouraged from posting or advertising illegal jobs. These companies try to lure people who are struggling financially. I have written these statements in bold so you can understand that word choice is important. Also, stating an example to prove that companies will try to lure others would be fantastic.
Ex: What about some online job postings, companies that ask you to pay a fee, or companies that tell you to pay for their program to create a business opportunity? Would this be considered legitimate?
3rd paragraph: This is a phenomenal example. Some have experienced this situation, which is truly sad. However, I would change the first sentence. You should state how these companies will help those graduates by creating jobs. Then discuss how a lot of college graduates have obtained jobs unrelated to their skills. Change to: They have spent years at a university... Also, make sure you use an apostrophe when using contractions. Please change cant to "can't".
4th paragraph: Capitalize "I" in your first sentence. You should avoid saying "thing here". Delete this, because I'm unsure about the conclusion of your essay. Also, I don't feel it responds to the question because the hometown has made the change. If you say you did it, then the whole essay would described what you did. You have to conclude with the best change in your hometown. It seems like it would be companies creating more jobs for people.
Please look back at the question to ensure you typed it correctly. I want to make sure I have given you the best advice. I'm hoping this will help, but I would like to tell you to make sure you read the question and your essay twice if you can. Sometimes when you are taking exams, you can think that you are answering a question correctly, but could be incorrect in your answer. This is not uncommon. Take your time, read the question, and read your essay to make sure you have answered the question. Hopefully you will have time to do this. I hope you do well!
phenomenal
Hello my friend.
I am so happy that you helped me. thank you SO MUCH :)
The title of the essay was :
TOEFL: if you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Before the posting message, in the title, I wrote this sentence completely. I don't know why it has been change!
Your advises are very useful for me. I'll remember them...( It was my first time that I wrote an essay for TOEFL)
