I just need help with this essay. It kinda feels like a jumbled mess to me. It's supposed to be a essay for college apps, but my english teacher is using it as our final... HELP!
"I bet she's a tramp," "Nah dude, I've heard she's real cute and stuff," "How much you wanna bet she doesn't last a week!" Let's just say, transferring to an arts high school sophomore year isn't a breeze; especially when one of last year's most popular graduating seniors is your brother. Everyone in your class knows you; you know almost nobody. Rumors bounce back and forth like a ping pong balls, and the only way to combat them is with the truth, who you actually are. And this, is a utterly impossible task when in fact, you have no idea who that person is.
High school, as is the common conception, is a time for self-discovery. But when surrounded by a large concentration of people who know precisely what they want to achieve in their lives (namely the art form in which they are currently majoring), the easiest solution to immediate self-discovery is to fall in line with one group or another. Belonging to the "musical theatre crowd" or "the opera group" isn't like belonging to any sport I've ever tried. The amount of emotional taxation that goes into the rehearsals, produces a correspondingly large amount of drama. Regardless, this high tension atmosphere sent me on a long, sometimes not so pleasant journey into discovering what I really want to do in life - make people smile.
Before attending high school, I spent nine years in a Catholic school with the same class of thirty students, out of which, I was the oddball. The majority of girls in the class were cute, little, skinny, sporty girls with perfect pony tails; I was a chubby, frizzy haired weirdo who had far more interest in the Swedish all girl pop band Play than I would ever have in soccer. Not to say I didn't try almost every sport known to man kind, I just was always more interested algebra, art classes, and choir. I saw the way my parents beamed when I secured a position on the honor role, or gave them my carefully crafted homemade birthday gifts, or when they watched me in my choir concerts. Academics and arts were definitely something I wanted to pursue, but how? Oh right! And arts based high school!
After getting into the vocal department at Los Angeles County High School for the Arts (LACHSA), performing then became my life. Running around like a chicken with my head cut off looking for sheet music, memorizing lines, and practicing dance routines because routinely monotonous. Juggling AP classes and three shows at the same time might be enough to make some people go crazy, but so far, it seems we've all lived to tell the tale.
With all the unpleasantries that this performing sometimes produces, I was often left wondering why I was still pursuing it. The constant competition and persistent drama is not something I enjoy, but then again, to hear the roars of laughter at a joke you've perfectly conveyed, or to see the giant grins on the faces of audience members standing up to applaud an amazing performance is the best feeling in the entire world. And after you've stayed up until two in the morning sewing 54 capes for one performance of a one minute opera selection, remembering that feeling may be the only thing to keep you going. Remembering the joy you can bring to people, that make's everything else worthwhile.
I may not go on to be a big rock star, or have my own television show, but one thing's for certain - whatever I do, wherever I go, I want to make people smile. I may not be the biggest partier, or flirt, or triple threat in high school, but I'm growing in to the person I'm meant to be and loving it.
When I saw that risqué title, I thought to myself, "This person has to be able to write very well to get away with using such a title. I see that you do write well enough to make this work, good stuff, good stuff.
Here is a place with an extra comma: Before attending high school, I spent nine years in a Catholic school with the same class of thirty students, out of which I was the oddball. --- see that one that I removed, the last one?
This really is okay, but to be careful you could add a subject, a noun... like, some people write like this:
This is not to say I didn't try almost every sport known to man kind; I just was always more interested algebra, art classes, and choir.
I think your way is okay, but some readers might not agree with me.
Okay, here is the criticism: at the start, you introduce a specific theme... having identity trouble because of being associated with the older brother. At the end, you make a simple point about making people smile. You must reconcile the start and the end. Make it so that they both cover the same topic.
Find some inspiration, and I think you'll make a great theme for this essay.
:-)
