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Julie Carter 1 / 3  
Oct 27, 2020   #1
In developing countries, children in rural communities have less access to education. Some people believe that the best way to solve the problem by providing schools and teachers. Some others think that it is better to provide computers and internet access.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

This is my first post here. I hope to receive some feedbacks from you. I mainly self study so sometimes I don't really know my common mistakes.

People have different views about whether providing teachers or internet connection is better to solve the problem of illiteracy in mountainous areas. While computing and searching skills can often be useful for children, I believe that the learning journey with teachers in classrooms is more effective.

On the one hand, students in remoted regions can quickly access to huge sources of information over the internet. Not only can they acquire knowledge about basic subjects like Math or Chemistry, they can broaden their horizons of other areas. It is true that they can improve their foreign languages effectively by communicating with native speakers via Facebook or Skype, or start learning other soft skills online easily. Besides, the provision of computers and internet is more affordable for the governments because it just includes the installation fees and the money for hiring some local experts to give instructions for the students to use. Also, the maintenance expenses are quite reasonable compared to the budget on building schools and hiring teachers.

On the other hand, it cannot be denied that teachers play an indispensable role in instructing the students to become good citizens. In a classroom, teachers not only teach knowledge to their pupils, but guide them how to behave kindly towards others as well. For instance, students will be given punishment if they bully their classmates. When studying in groups or playing with others, children's sense of community and co-operation will be surely enhanced. Therefore, the construction of schools and provision of teachers are the shortcuts to raise children's education.

In conclusion, I would argue that providing schools and teachers to students in isolated provinces is a best solution.
luxury20041985 2 / 3 1  
Oct 27, 2020   #2
I think this essay has a few good points. I like "computers and internet is more affordable."

Students in remoted regions can quickly access to huge sources of information over the internet. How about school and teachers? Why teaching in classroom could not give students an access to a lot of information in an remote area?

Guide them how to behave kindly towards others as well. = why is this quality needed especially in rural communities?
OP Julie Carter 1 / 3  
Oct 27, 2020   #3
Yeah, honestly I haven't thought about those ideas yet, maybe I'll need to ask more "why" to make my essay specific.
Thanks for your comments

so how high can I get for this essay?
OP Julie Carter 1 / 3  
Oct 28, 2020   #4
is there anyone help me to give the estimated scores? One of my friends (already got 6.5) said that this one was around band 4 but I doubted a bit
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,974 4811  
Oct 28, 2020   #5
Unfortunately, scoring is part of our premium private review services or URGENT thread marking. Only general reviews as provided in the free section of the forum. Any student who scores your essay will find his account suspended. So let me give you a general review of your work for now.

The format of the essay is not correct. This is a 5 paragraph essay that should be discussing each public point of view in a stand alone paragraph, before the presentation of your personal point of view. You did not present a personal point of view in the reasoning paragraphs. So the essay is tangential in response. Meaning your response is complete, but not complete enough. The missing discussion point is what creates that situation.

Your prompt paraphrase is incorrect as well. You did not proper restate the topic, the 2 public opinions, and imply your personal opinion as a topic sentence. You cannot provide a complete opinion at this point because you have yet to compare the 2 discussion reasons from the public point of view.

The concluding paragraph should be at least 40 words that represents the restatement of the topic, the reasoning paragraphs, and your point of view. Without that, the concluding paragraph is incomplete and unacceptable. What I can tell you is that the essay will have a difficult time achieving a passing score because of these problems, and several other rubic related errors.
mugdho 1 / 3  
Oct 28, 2020   #6
You can strengthen the paragraphs by giving an appropriate example. For instance, you could write for your second paragraph that a survey reported that 80 percent of students from a certain school performed better in their academics if they were given access to the internet.
OP Julie Carter 1 / 3  
Oct 29, 2020   #7
thank you for your feedback

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