Topic : It is becoming more and more difficult to escape the influence of the media on our lives. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of living in a media-rich society.
Television is an obligation in every home these days. People have been seriously affected by this kind of media in their life. Although the benefit like receive information more fast help us to keep up to date, the drawbacks such as severe habits due to the effect of television programs had outweigh the merit.
Almost every day in their life people watches television, not only adults but children do. The news programs are very interesting, it brings a lot of information in order to make us keep up to date with global issues in second. Moreover, for some people this media-rich society can produces money in their industrial circumstances.
On the other hand, that media bring plenty of demerit effect in the people. Some lack program influence the kids to being more evil. In school the pupils imitate the TV program such as wrestling competition or sex adult which is not proper for them. There was an incident in one of college in USA, the scholar shot his friends with gun in head due to the influenced of Rambo movies. In addition, elementary students had a sex with their peer after watch porn movies in television.
The aforementioned evidence reveals that media carried out greater demerit than the merit itself. Where possible restrict the program or filter it by divided the viewer of different ages.
Bayu, I hate to say this but, you really misunderstood what the prompt meant by a media-rich society. You concentrated your essay on the television, which is one of the oldest forms of media. While that is one of the correct responses of the essay, the more proper response would have been for you to consider the new face of media or the "media-rich" which is composed of television, mobile phones, tablets, laptops, smart watches, etc. All of these are part of the new era of mass media. Therefore, you should have given your essay a more generalized direction, not really concentrating on a single form of media alone.
That said, you need to revise the essay to reflect the correct definition of "media" and "media-rich". What you will need to do is write a new essay that discusses the advantage and disadvantage from that angle. Your discussion about the television can actually be rephrased in order to apply the focus more on mass media. You have some pretty solid lines of reason in this essay so you don't need to do too much rewriting to correct it.
Your conclusion is also quite short and improperly discussed. As you know, it is important that the conclusion merely be a summary of the essay. It is unacceptable to have the writer present new ideas, as you did in this essay because adding new ideas prevents the conclusion of the line of reasoning in the essay. So you need to further develop that discussion and then add another paragraph that properly closes the essay instead.
Hallo Mr. Bayu,
I intend you offer some suggestion for your writing.
Television is an obligation in every home these days. People have been seriously affected by this kind of media in their life. Although the benefit like receive information more fast help us to keep up to date, the drawbacks such as severe habits due to the effect of television programs had outweigh the merit.Regarding hookBy and large, hook emerging in the first sentence represents a general notion or idea. However, you have mentioned directly as a particular topic. As seen on the question, we are discussing with regard to rich-media, not solely television.Here is my suggestion:Media plays a pre-eminent role in humans being. Likewise, a wide range of influence created by media cannot probably be shunned on everyday life as people arguably pay attention. Regarding this issue, I believe that this development gives rise to benefit including receiving information directly so as to keeping up to date although the dire consequence such as emerging severe behavior can be obtained
Mr Bayu let me try to give you some advice..
This topic is Media-rich society, but i don't get the point from your essay, i thought your essay just focus on television. You should understand the topic more clearly due to out off topic :)
Some advice for your introduction :
1. Background = media
2. Hook =general opinion or idea
3. Thesis statement = advantages or disadvantages
Keep writing... Thankyou :)
hello bayu,,let me try to give some suggestion on your passage.
based on your question, you need to describe more about the impact of media, not just describe a specific equipment like television in this case.For introduction paragraph make it connects each sentences.
Although the benefit like receive information more fast help ...
about grammar, you cannot put 2 verbs directly.
Although the benefit like to receive or like receiving information more fast help ...
the effect of television programs had outweigh the merit.
remember after had (past perfect), you need to put verb 3
the effect of television programs had outweighed the merit.
for some people this media-rich society can produces money ...
after modal, please use verb 1 directly.
for some people this media-rich society can produce money ...
thanks, hope it can helps.