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IELTS Task 1: Birth and Death rates in New Zealand, from 1901 to the prediction for 2101.

kerry19910620 1 / -  
Mar 16, 2020   #1
My target score is 6.5 and if you could give a feedback of my writing, I would really appreciate it! Thanks!

the ratio of birth and death in New Zealand

The line graph illustrates the ratio of birth and death in New Zealand from 1901 to the prediction for 2101.

  Overall, the birth rate increased drastically until 1961 and then fluctuated, but the general trend is expected to be downward. On the other hand, there was a fluctuation in the death rate between 1901 and 2001, but the overall trend was upward. By 2001, the ratio of death surged and it is forecast to reach a plateau in the final 40-year period.

  Looking in more detail, the birth rate stood at 20,000 in the first year; however, it began rising to around 30,000. Despite a slight dip to around 28,000, by 1941 it had grew significantly to reach a peak of around 65,000 in 1961. After that, it fluctuated noticeably between 50,000 and 60,000 and it is estimated to decrease steadily to just above 40,000 in 2101.

  By contrast, there was a gradual growth in the death rates from almost 10,000 to around triple that of the original figure in 1901. However, it increased dramatically and it is expected to peak at 60,000 in 2061. In the last 40 years. The death rate is likely to level off.

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Holt [Contributor] - / 9,765 3095  
Mar 16, 2020   #2
When you present a conjunction as in "However, it increased dramatically and it..." you need to place a comma after the word "dramatically" to indicate that sentences, clauses, phrases, or words are connected in the sentence. The proper use of a conjunction is important in the presentation of a complex sentence which also increases your coherence and cohesiveness, along with the GRA score when presenting a series of short sentences.

However, you should be careful about haphazardly using commas in the sentence presentations. You have more commas than periods in this presentation, which, when overused, creates run-on sentences. Always use a period to signify the end of a sentence. Make sure to use conjunctions properly, based on its indicated usage as either a coordinating, subordinating, correlative, and conjunctive adverb. Use medium length sentences whenever possible. 3-5 sentences per paragraph.
phong3baotap 7 / 19 4  
Mar 16, 2020   #3
You can use the phrase "overtake that of ... and ended up at..." as an alternative to making the sentence sound better and provide more information:

In the last 40 years. The death

..., it increased dramatically and overtook birth rates in 2041 and it is expected ... In the last 40 years, the death rate is ...

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