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A breakdown of information about holiday maker percentage visiting England in Brighton; 1980 to 2010


bastian20 10 / 16 2  
Apr 6, 2016   #1
A breakdown of information about holiday maker percentage visiting England in Brighton from 1980 to 2010 as projected year is illustrated in the line graph. Overall, it can be seen that, despite some fluctuation, over the period as a whole the levels of tourists rose in Pavilion, Pier, Festival, exception being Art Gallery.

In 1980, the percentage of festival visitors stood at 30%, which the highest of three others attractions, while Pier as a lowest by one in ten. When there were gradual rise in level of visitors in Art Gallery, Pavilion, and Pier, but tourist festival decreased slightly. However, 1995 saw a striking different among all of attractions, the proportion of pavilion visitors increased dramatically whereas others remained stable. Yet, by 2000, once three attractions had had moderate changes, there had been a significant fall in the percentage of pavilion.

Less change was seen in remaining of four attractions between 2000 and 2010. Pavilion has the highest proportion and the lowest was art gallery, while pier and festival existed between both of them.




ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Apr 6, 2016   #2
Bastian, it is unfortunate that you forgot to write at least three sentences for each paragraph. I am afraid that if you keep doing this, it will be your habitual writing pattern. Just bear in mind that every time you want to practice IELTS writing, you should remember the 3-sentence rule, because it can be considered acceptable by the examiner. The notion is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. In this essay, you failed to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. Besides, I notice that your grouping was too simple in which this makes your paragraph was not well-developed. So the following still needs work.

Introduction paragraph:
A breakdown... It is measured... Overall,...
Second body paragraph:
Concerning to... Less change... Pavilion has...

So, I assume that by reading my feedback, you know what to do for your next essay.
Hope this helps.

Keep trying mate! :)
tiraatira11 21 / 9 2  
Apr 6, 2016   #3
Hi, Sebastian. Your writing is already good, but let me give you a few suggestions.
A breakdown of information about holiday maker (About = Regarding)

In 1980, the percentage of festival visitors stood at 30% which the highest of three others attractions (Which --> As)

while Pier WAS PLACED as a lowest by one in ten

but tourist festival FIGURES decreased slightly.

I wish my correction can help you. Thank you


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