many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle.
Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. to what extend do you agree with this statement?
Bringing up the mentally and physically healthy children had been a constant concern of families since back in ages. Some believes that leading children to the healthy standard of living is the main duty of parents, while initiation and development of this idea through the educational system has been stated as another important factor. In the following article it will be discussed how both parents and schools have the impact on children healthy lifestyle and why the role of family is more important than school in this case.
First of all, it is important to notice the role of school to form or reform behavioral structure of children. As the latest research shows, some factors such as following the given structure of a leader or a teacher has a significant effect on reforming the quality of life. In this case, teachers can lead children's mind to the predetermined goals. For instance, when a kid has learnt to treat others violently to obtain his rights, the behavior can gradually be revised by the teacher's psychological advice and the school environmental impact. Moreover, implying the latest successful methods of changing the wrong physical activities of the children is another important responsibility of school while taking care of their education. Implementing various physical activities within weeks and make it will change the bad habits step by step.
Although the effect of educational system on resolving unhealthy lifestyle of children is undeniable, but in my opinion family plays the main role of this. to be more specific, the very first community which children make their life foundation based on it is their family. it is obvious that most of the children inherit their parents living standards and structure before entering the society. Hence once the foundation is made incorrectly, it is difficult to change It by other means. As an illustration, in my country Iran children enter school almost at seven years old. while they have lived seven years with the same life routines as their parents in all aspects, it is difficult to adapt to the standard and healthy way of living after that. As a result, when it comes to comparison, difference in socialization, ease of adaption to healthy life norms, point of view to the life and etc., is apparent between the children from well treated families and the other ones.
All in all, however it has been discussed a lot if the parent and school both obliged to manage children's standards of living, I personally believe although the role of school is remarkable in this case to some extent, but the main obligation is on the family to build up the foundation and lead them to happy and healthy life.
I think the ideas are good. I just wanna comment about the conjunction.
1. Paragraph 2 = It's better to not use
"first of all", just start your first sentence with "it is important to notice the role of school......."
2. Paragraph 2 = The supporting sentences are not really connected with the main idea. So you need to sharpen your idea, not adding idea.
2. Paragraph 4 = It's better to use 'In conlusion' 'To clonclude' than All in all
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Ramin, this essay will get an automatic failing TA score because you changed the discussion requirements and method of information presentation. This is an extent essay which uses a measure of (dis)agreement with the given statement. You turned it into an opinion essay based on researched information. The error can clearly be seen in the following breakdown:
Original Prompt: to what extend do you agree with this statement?
Your Response: In the following article it will be discussed how both parents and schools have the impact on children healthy lifestyle and why the role of family is more important than school in this case.
As you can see, you totally changed the discussion instructions for the given topic. As such, you will be viewed as having failed to address the task requirements and therefore, you delivered the task requirements inaccurately. This will get you a TA score of 1. To add to that, your essay is not focused on discussing an unhealthy lifestyle but mental health instead. Now, while you may have justified the inclusion of this discussion in the original prompt statement, you were unable to properly respond to the prompt, which made your discussion slant irrelevant to the essay topic. Since you never properly quantified the measurement of your opinion, and what that opinion might be in relation to the given topic, the essay has failed to meet the required prompt information. While you made some sort of representation of this in the last paragraph, that is not the place to discuss your extent response as the concluding paragraph should only be a summary of the discussion. The response to the prompt is always given in the first paragraph to help the student represent a discussion outline in the essay.
You also do not follow the proper English writing rules regarding capitalization as there are instances when you use a lower case letter to start a sentence (after the period). Every first letter of a new sentence is always capitalized.