Ielts writing TASK 1 (Cambridge 4): daily demand and uses of electricity in England

Topic:

The graph below shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer.
The pie chart shows how electricity is used in an average English home.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

My essay:

The line graph compares the daily amount of electricity was used in winter and in summer of England, and the pie chart illustrates how four different uses of electric power are used in a typical English home. The pie chart illustrates how electricity power was used for four different ways in a typical English home.

It is clear that more power was used in winter than in summer. The electricity used for heating rooms and water is the highest among all of the four categories. The daily electricity demand for winter, about 30,000 to 45,000 units, is approximately twice as that for summer, which is between 10,000 and 20,000 units.

According to the line graph, in winter, English uses the most power, reaching over 40,000 units, on 22nd hour. While in summer, the line reaches its peak barely at 20,000 units, which is on its 14th hours. However, the lowest units for winter are slightly over 30,000 units and for summer are about 14,000 units, and both of them fall on similar hours, 8th and 9th respectively.

Looking at the pie chart, in an average English home, we can see that they used over half of the electricity, 52.5%, on heating rooms and water. The other uses are all for electrical devices, 17.5% of power using are for kitchen facilities, such as ovens, kettles, and washing machines, and 15% for each of the other two categories: lighting, TV, and radio, and vacuum cleaners, food mixers, and electric tools.

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  line graph
  
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  pie chart
  

The first sentence of your summary overview should have been divided into 2 sentences because you are describing 2 unrelated images. Since the images are far different from one another, you should be describing these based on individual requirements or information coverage. This should have allowed you to better meet the 3-5 sentence requirement for the paragraph. It would have been better for your summary overview + trending statement consideration if you had merged the first 2 presentations into a single paragraph. It would have created a more concise summary presentation on your part and, allowed you more easily meet the paragraph sentence requirement. After all, based on the images presented, this is only a 3 paragraph essay:

Par. 1: Summary overview + trending statement
Par. 2: Line chart information and comparison
Par. 3: Pie chart information and comparison

You seem to have forgotten that the Task 1 essay has a time allotment of only 20 minutes. Based on the time allowance, you should only be writing anywhere from 175-190 words maximum. You actually wrote 248 words, 2 words short of the Task 2 minimum word requirement. The task 2 essay has a 40 minute time allotment. So it appears to me that you would not have been able to properly write this Task 1 essay within 20 minutes based on your word count and number of paragraphs provided. There is a reason why the 3 paragraph format is most recommended, it allows you to write a comparative report with time left over for the editing of your work. This is just a straightforward report, you don't need to overwrite nor overthink the presentation. Use less words in the task 1 essay. Focus on information delivery using a quick and summarized manner.

Correct me if i am not right
-I beleive that you were over-writing it which took you a lot of time and won't be able to do task 2 properly in 40 mins

- I seemed like you put too much attention on the line and hastily described the pie. So, Balancing two distinguished information in length will make your passage more comprehensive and equitable

grammar mistake: the daily amount of electricity was used