IELTS task 2: Capital punishment (the death penalty) in society

Hellooo Freinds...
I'm preparing an IELTS exam. I need feedbcak. Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar.

Question:
Without capital punishment (the death penalty) our lives are less secure and crimes of violence increase. Capital punishment is in essential to control violence in society. Discuss.

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Answer:

Giving capital punishment has been a controversy for years. Some people believe that this kind of punishment is essential to apply because they believe criminals tend to repeat their crime as they live for it. However, some others believe that imprison criminals for quit long time will be better as it is more humane. At the same time, this punishment can make criminals get intimidated. Then, it can prevent them for repeating the same mistakes.

When a country omits the application of this punishment, the increasing of violence is one of problems which some people are worried about. Further, people' live is in danger as they have to live together in the society with criminals who can live freely after they are out of prison. This worry does not emerge without any strong reasons. However, as a wise country, the application of this kind of punishment may not be applied without any other deep thoughts.

People need to get a second chance. So are criminals, who had done various kinds of crimes. They might get bless to realize that what they did are totally mistakes. If they get no chance to live, it means that they get no chance to repent his or her sins. It is not fair for them. Moreover, there is also humane side that is conflicted. Countries which apply capital punishment will shows to its younger generations that love is not on the top priority for them. This will affect the mentality forming process of young generations. Young generations will also relate this value in other sides of their life. They will tend to be less tolerant to themselves and others.

Further, I think it will be wiser for the country to guide the criminals to find his or her way back to normal life, with a full-self awareness that what they did in the past is something that they want to leave behind. The changing of mindset of the criminal is much more worthy than any other ways to stop the improving level of criminality in a country.

In conclusion, I think the application of capital punishment is not necessarily taken by a country. There are some other kinds of punishment that can be applied which not only making them get intimidated to repeat the same mistake but also keeping the country's humane side.

Some people believe that applying this kind of punishment will lead to a crime-free society.


imprisoning criminals.
The prompt does not mention anything as to whether other people are in favor of imprisonment so I'm not sure if it is necessary to single out this kind of punishment here.


quite a long time
Also, you could state your opinion right in the introduction.

Hi eddies,

This is a good essay in some sences and coherent. But I feel that it is not easy to understand, so you must use such sentences that can be easily understand

the increasing of violence is one of the problems ...


people's lives are


-- We call this faulty sentence as Unnecessary Shift of Point of View (USPOV). You mentioned the pronoun "them" (plural pronoun), therefore, "his/her" is definitely incorrect (singular pronoun). Just be careful.


unfair


will show


make them

Essay is good competently written, but a little bit difficult to understand. I read it 3 times to distribute where is introduction,main body and conclusion. May be i'm not a native speaker, or u need more sentences.

GivingImplementation of capital punishment has been a controversy for years.
Good hook :)
Some people believe that this kind of punishment is essential to apply because they believe thatcriminals tend to repeat their crimeas they live for it.it would discourage people committing crimes due to fear being punished severely. However, some others believe that imprisoning criminals for quite long time will be better as it is more humane.

Even your prompt is open for discussion, there is no harm you stating your own opinion in the introduction itself. It is nicer when you conclude the intro with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction. Since IELTS Task 2 is a time bound task, it is always good to follow one particular structure during practice sessions :)

Hi Dumi... good to have you here :D


Valuable advice, thank you.


To readers' surprise, I express my opinion in the concluding paragraph. Is it quite okay?

Well, I still feel it is better you include your opinion in the intro due to the nature of this task because it is not something which you require to display your creative talents, but proficiency of your English writing. It is a test to assess students on English language requirements. So, you've got to concentrate more on completing the task on time having every important feature in it to fill your score bag. Equally you need to impress your examiner and convince the guy with your justifications. When you express your position in the intro itself, it is easier for you to take him along your path. Who knows whether they read it in full? ...LOL

Aha!.. I clearly understand now. Many thanks Dumi :D

And for this --->


hahahahahaha.... I LOVE that, too funny for words. This would be perfect to kick off my weekday.

I think your essay is still not convincing.
*For Introduction part: At the same time, this punishment can make criminals get intimidated. Then, it can prevent them for repeating the same mistakes.
I think it's better if you finished it with your view point like that "In my opinion, it is quite difficult for people to decide whether to support or reject the argument above because choosing the right side still depends on several points as follows"

*For the BODY part:
you should give 2 opinions: support and against for 2 sides. Here i did not see you do that.
avoid repeat a word many times. Just substitute them by synonyms

Try more!! Good luck!!!

THOUGHT WE GET GOOD REVIEWS. BUT DID NOT GET ANY REVIEWS.