IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - Car theft, house burgling and street robbery - statistics in two countries

Hello! Please give me some advice to improve my expression. I want to know whether am I express my thought in authentic real English or not and how to correctmy defect. Thanks a lot.

The chart and graph summary

TOPIC:
The chart below shows three different crimes and the number of cases committed between 1970 and 2005 in England and Wales. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph presents information about three kinds of crimes and the quantity of cases committed between 1970 and 2005 in England and Wales.

The major form of crime was car theft throughout the period, except in 1980 replaced by house burgling. There was a gradually increase from 0.4 million in 1970 in car theft. After peaking at 1.6 million in 1995, it considerably declined to 1 million in 2005. As rapid growing from 1970, house burgling peaked at 0.9 million in 1980. For the first time, it became the major form of crime. Then there was a downward trend, declining to 0.5 million in 2005, although it rebound slightly between 1985 and 1995.

35 years witnessed climbed Street robbery at 0.1 million from 1970, reaching its peak at 0.4 million. The number of street robbery was only less than that of house burgling by 20% in 2005. In 2005, the number of car theft was largest (1 million), followed by house burgling (0.5 million) and street robbery (0.4 million).

Overall, during 35 years the number of all types of crime increased in different rate. Car theft was still the most serious problem among the three various crimes. Although the number of street robbery always was least, it continuously rise in last decade.

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The first paragraph is the summary of the information presented. It should have at between 3-5 sentences in its presentation in order to be considered a complete and informative paragraph. You should have summarized what information was presented in the chart, inclusive years, and types of crimes in the later part of the paragraph. While the sentence structure is problematic and word usage was often incorrect, you managed to make yourself understood in your presentation. Overall, the essay should get a passing score at the very least because of the way that you managed to present the information in an understandable manner. You are not near being considered a native speaker but I would say that you would qualify as an intermediate English speaker at this point.

@Holt
Thanks for your remark. Could you give me some examples about problematic sentence structure in my essay ?

Since you are given a line graph with numerical/time information, you can show that you know how to describe numerical/time information in English using words/phrases that show quantity (like larger/largest, smaller/smallest, least, most, more, greater than, less, less than, equal, same, common, exceed, surpass, increase/increased, decrease/decreased, etc.) and time (during, initial/initially, origin/originally, after, before, gradual, finally, began, ended, etc). I focused on a few sentences in the second paragraph.

In the second paragraph (first sentence), the word major sounds a bit odd to describe a quantity. Instead, I would use most popular or most common. In the same sentence, instead of the word replaced, you could use exceeded or surpassed. I would phrase it:

The most popular form of crime between 1970 and 2005 was car theft, except in 1980, during which the number of house burgling cases surpassed the number of car theft cases.

In the second paragraph (second sentence), gradually is an adverb (modifies a verb) while gradual would be the corresponding adjective (modifies a noun).
Here are two ways you could rephrase it:

After 1970, there was a gradual increase in car theft, which had occurred 0.4 million times already.
Car theft gradually increased after 1970, during which it occurred 0.4 million times.

In the second paragraph (fourth sentence), you need to mention what is rapidly growing in the dependent clause (the part of the sentence before the comma), even though you clarify that you are talking about house burgling in the independent clause (the part of the sentence after the comma). Rapidly is an adverb (modifies a verb), while rapid is the corresponding adjective (modifies a noun). Here are some ways you could rephrase it:

While the number of house burgling cases rapidly grew after 1970, house burgling peaked at 0.9 million cases in 1980.
House burgling rapidly increased after 1970, and it peaked at 0.9 million cases in 1980.
Rapidly increasing after 1970, house burgling peaked at 0.9 million cases in 1980. (This is an exception, where you do not have to mention what is rapidly increasing in the dependent clause because it is implied by the structure of the sentence. See this link: opentextbooks.org.hk/ditatopic/4535)