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What is the career that most appeals to you?


lawenforcer 3 / 2  
Oct 29, 2006   #1
What is the career that most appeals to you? Most people have considered some type of career earlier in life, but I on the other hand did not really have a good idea of what I would do for the rest of my life. In fact I had chosen law and security administration near the end of high school. There will be many future job openings in this career; therefore, I believe that a career in law and security administration would best suit me. I chose this because I will be able to make changes to the local community, because of the influence of friends and family, and of personal and financial rewards.

A career in law and security administration gives me the opportunity to change the local community for the better. First of all, working in this profession will let me apply my already high moral standards, beliefs, and principles for the betterment of society. Such as the goodness, equality, freedom, truth, and justice principles which are deserved by everyone in treatment. Secondly, I as an agent of the law will be able to serve and protect the people. Decreasing crime with the help of the public will result in a lower percentage of fear and a feeling of a safer environment. Lastly, the public will see me as a role model, and I will take pride and honour in knowing this fact. There is nothing better than knowing you changed society's view and trust toward law enforcement officials.

My friends and family were an enormous impact on one of my biggest decisions in life. Firstly, I had heard stories from my mother of how my family back home, mainly my aunts and uncles, that are all high ranked cops or in the military. This made me wonder if I should consider pursuing a career in one of those due to genetics. Secondly, I would not have chosen to enter law enforcement if it was not for a friend who advised me to do so. After much conscious debate on my decision towards entering law enforcement, my friend's advice was the last reason I needed to choose to enter law and security administration. Lastly, during high school, another friend of mine was leaving to join the army. This both surprised and inspired me. In my opinion he did not seem like someone who would fit in the military, yet there he was wearing the uniform and backpack and ready to go. This changed my opinion on a lot of things and made me reconsider my future plans.

The most significant reasons that tempted me into considering law and security administration were the rewards offered by the profession. Firstly, things like character traits, physical fitness, self-respect, self discipline, and courageousness really motivated me into wanting to join. I really wanted to have all these qualities, who wouldn't? Secondly, I looked at things I would need in life out of a job. The salaries and job security in law enforcement intrigued me. In fact, it was more than I was looking for. Also, the experience and desire to succeed was something the job could give me. I viewed this as important. I believed that all people need goals in life, it is a social need. Lastly, this career offered me better retirement in life. I viewed this reward as most important, for this is the last reward that I will acquire from my future career.

There have been many reasons in my life that influenced me to choose this route. The urge to change things, family tradition, and the desire for personal and financial rewards were the main reasons for my final decision. I have no regrets in my decision; I see my future as only getting better with many more important decisions to make and experiences to go through during the remainder of my life.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Oct 30, 2006   #2
Greetings!

You have a good start on your essay. I especially like the way your conclusion summarizes the major points you made.

There are, however, some sentence fragments and run-on sentences, and a few other things I'd suggest changing.

"Such as the goodness, equality, freedom, truth, and justice principles which are deserved by everyone in treatment." This is a sentence fragment. Also, "everyone in treatment" sounds as if you're saying these things are deserved by people who are undergoing treatment for something. What about saying, "Everyone deserves equality, freedom," etc.?

"Firstly, I had heard stories from my mother of how my family back home, mainly my aunts and uncles, that are all high ranked cops or in the military." Another fragment, and I think everywhere you use "firstly" and "secondly" you should eliminate it.

"I really wanted to have all these qualities, who wouldn't?" That should be a semicolon instead of a comma, but you could probably find a better way to put it: "These are all qualities I admire and aspire to achieve."

"I believed that all people need goals in life, it is a social need." Another semicolon needed instead of comma. Is having goals more of a social or a personal need? Just a thought.

I find your first paragraph confusing. You say that you did not decide on a career early in life, yet most people would consider the end of high school "early in life." It sounds as if you are contradicting yourself; considering re-wording the first few sentences.

I hope you found this input helpful!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP lawenforcer 3 / 2  
Oct 30, 2006   #3
Hi, wow very very helpful. I'm sorry for wasting your time with this essay; i'm a new college student and apparently not that good at college writing.

1.I don't know what to replace firstly and secondly with, I need transitional words for coherence.

2.I said that it was a social need because that's what my ethics class say's lol. It's only fair everyone has their own opinion.

3.uhh actually end of highschool was a year ago for me. "A lot of highschool students chose what they wanted to be earlier in highschool" sorry, i'll change it to that, to make it more narrower.

4."There will be many future job openings in this career; therefore, I believe that a career in law and security administration would best suit me."

Can you please tell me if the above #4 is a good thesis statement for my essay, I really can't think of another one to work with.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Oct 30, 2006   #4
Greetings!

Please don't feel you have wasted my time in any way -- this is what I'm here for! In fact, if everyone wrote essays which never contained any errors, I'd be pretty useless here! :-)

I'll address your points in order:

1. I don't feel that transitional words are necessary for coherence most of the time, particularly within a paragraph (as opposed to transitioning between paragraphs). If one sentence logically follows the next, it will be coherent. For instance, you say "My friends and family were an enormous impact" and in the next sentence you demonstrate how by telling us about your mother's stories of family members. However, it's true that the next two examples you give might benefit from transitional words. I feel that "First of all," "Second," and "Finally," sound better than "Firstly," "Secondly," and "Lastly," though I suppose reasonable minds might differ. I do think, though, that in the following paragraph, you could leave out the transitional words and be just fine.

2. By all means, if that's what you learned in ethics class, stick with "social need." You're right, it's definitely subjective.

3. Yes, I like your change. :-)

4. I think that sentence is a little narrow for your thesis statement. When you say "therefore," it sounds like the fact that there "will be many future job openings in this career" is the sole reason for your choosing it. Perhaps if you broadened your thesis statement a bit: "I chose a career in law and security administration because it holds many future job opportunities which will allow me to help my local community while receiving personal and financial rewards."

Remember that writing is a skill and like any other skill, you get better with practice. I doubt that Sebastian Janikowski kicked a fifty-yard field goal the first time he put toe to pigskin! :-)) You're doing fine. Keep at it and you'll get even better!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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