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Causes of agricultural land productivity including three areas in 1990s. IELTS task 1

Rahma vety 1 / -  
Apr 5, 2017   #1

Causes of Worldwide Land Degradation

This chart illustrates the causes of agricultural land productivity including three areas in 1990s.
The vast land degradation mainly caused by over-grazing with using 35% of the worldwide land. A third of the land was deforestation, and more than a quarter was for cultivating. The largest degraded land was happen in the Europe with 23% of the total land. Europe land degradation mainly caused by deforestation. In the oceania (including Australia and New Zealand), total degradated land was 13%, with 11,3% of the land using for grazing and 1,7 due to deforestation, none of the land was using for cultivation in this region. On the other hand, degradation in North America due to over-caltivation (with 3,3% of total tand).

Overall, the worldwide degradation land in 1990 mainly cause d by over-grazing, and the region with the vastest degradation land was in Europe. In contrast, the fewest degradation land was in the North America.
agus_mono 13 / 23 2  
Apr 5, 2017   #2
hay Rahma vety,
i have read your essay, i just focus on your grammar because you did not upload the picture and the question. we need both of them to make sure the data that you wrote. i hope in the next essay you do it.

....... caused by over-grazing : it is good because you used past tense, but make sure your sentence whether passive or active. passive form Be+V3
....was happen in : happened

but, i think you have potential to write better if you practice harder.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,692 3498  
Apr 5, 2017   #3
Feti, it is unfortunate that even without the chart that you were provided with for the essay, your formatting and presentation is so inadequate that it cannot score any more than a 4. This is a score that I based upon your immediate presentation of information and problems regarding discussion formats and information dissemination to the reader. For starters, your opening summary is totally unacceptable because you did not really inform the reader about the overview information from the chart. That should have included the topic for discussion, type of chart presented, summarized comparison points, and any other important overview information that could have comprised the discussion outline.

Your actual paragraph discussion is in need of proper formatting because you discussed more than one topic in a single paragraph. You need to learn how to decipher the discussion topics so that you can group the related information together and then use the grouping for the paragraph presentations. You have to also learn to use a full stop in the paragraphs instead of comma's because a full stop will help you meet the required sentence count per paragraph. As opposed to a comma which only creates a pause in the reading.

In the concluding statement, try to come up with some additional analytical information that you might have missed in the essay for presentation. Do it in such a manner that will allow you to create at least 3 sentences in conclusion of the essay. Right now, the conclusion that you developed does not really do a good job of closing the discussion.

Some final reminders:
1. This essay must have at least 150 words distributed among (at least) 3 - 5 (maximum) paragraphs.
2. A discussion outline will help increase your TA score in the opening paraphrase.
3. The conclusion should help to wrap up the discussion in the 3 sentence minimum manner. It should never be a single sentence alone.
bolarinwa 2 / 2  
Apr 15, 2017   #4
you already have three causes of land degradation which are over-garzing, deforestation and over-cultivation however i think the essay is too short try to develop this three causes more then over-caltivation over-cultivation. lastly work on your your formatting and presentation
samanhb 2 / 3  
Apr 15, 2017   #5
@Rahma vety
hi, there some hints that I want to mention:
your essay should not be more that 150words
there are some grammatical mistakes in your passage
and at last your conclusion is too short

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