Unanswered [17] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

The pie chart describe the degradation of agricultural land productivity in the worldwide.

anabel 3 / 4  
Feb 7, 2017   #1
Writing IELTS Task 1_Causes of Worldwide Land Degradation

soil quality is decreasing

The pie chart described the degradation of agricultural land productivity in the worldwide. Coverage areas are North America, Europe, and Oceania. In the world, Over-grazing became the biggest cause, it contributes 35% of total causes. The cutting or burning of the tree (deforestation) caused three-tenth of degradation. Twenty-eight percent has caused by over-cultivation. There was just 7% by others.

Five percent land of North America has decreased the quality of the soil. Over-cultivation was a major role, that was equal to 3.3%. Other causes were 1.5% from over-grazing and 0.2% from deforestation. Almost one-fourth of total land in Europe has degraded. Europe had the biggest percent of land degradation. Approximately 10% (exactly 9.8%) land degraded by cutting or burning of the tree. Over-cultivation and over-grazing are each 7.7% and 5.5%. The last region is Oceania, including Australia and New Zealand. In this region, just deforestation and over-grazing, each amount of 11,3% and 1,7%.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,594 3760  
Feb 7, 2017   #2
Anabel, while you did write a little over 150 words, you failed to produce at least 3 paragraphs for this essay. So there is a structural problem in terms of the way that you developed the discussion. The minimum paragraph requirement is 3 paragraphs. So you would score lower in terms of grammar range and accuracy. You may also score less in terms of task accuracy in this case because of the shortness of the discussion. It delivers the impression that you were mechanical in terms of writing this essay. You did not really bother to try to expand on the presentation to try and improve your lexical resource along with the coherence and cohesiveness of your essay. While all of the information that you were given was represented in the essay, I don't think that you can score higher than a 5 with this particular essay. I base that score on the problems that I mentioned earlier in my comments. There are also notable grammar problems that created sentence structure problems.

Examples of the sentence problem include, but is not limited to;

"... land productivity in the worldwide."

the proper presentation of that sentence should have omitted the part that says "in the" it should only be "... productivity worldwide."

That said, you did not do a bad job of representing the information in the essay. So you would probably get a passing score for this work, even with the existing problems of the essay.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Feb 7, 2017   #3
Avoid making mistake in the beginning part of the essay because that is the place for you to impress the examiner or possibly earn a high score. It is really unfortunate that you picked the wrong grammatical tense in the first sentence. The paraphrase of the question must be in the form of present and not in past form. This is because you give a factual report what the graph/chart mentions/describes. Also, this essay might only reach 4 or even lower due to the absence of 'overview' sentence. You are not suggested to directly mention the data without mentioning the general trend or the overview of the graph / chart given.

Furthermore, it is also required for an IELTS writing task 1 to have an appropriate grouping. It seems obvious that you missed them. Take the diagram that you've uploaded in this forum, you can simply classify/split the information into 2 equal parts. Therefore, the first body paragraph should be about the pie chart and the second body paragraph should explain about the data from the table. Before making body paragraphs, do not forget to write an appropriate introduction paragraph which consists of 'question's paraphrase', 'possible measurement (x and y axis)', and 'the overview sentence'.

Hope this helps :)
bagusetyawan 8 / 27 7  
Feb 7, 2017   #4
One more thing, don't forget to give your overview about the data that has been given. It's very important because if you noticed the band descriptor, you'll see this point.

Good luck
foyuliu 5 / 20 9  
Feb 8, 2017   #5
Usually a conclusion paragraph is needed for the short essay.
Minh Ngoc 1 / 1  
Feb 8, 2017   #6
Hi Anabel,
You should add the part of overall or conclusion in Task 01 because this part is important.
Good luck to you!

Home / Writing Feedback / The pie chart describe the degradation of agricultural land productivity in the worldwide.