IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - Celebrities earn more money than politicians.

celebrities finances are higher than politicians

Topic : Nowadays celebrities earn more money than politicians. Is it a positive or negative development?

These days, famous star receive much more finances compare to the public servants. However I strongly believed that the improvement of attention among celebrities and politicians has disadvantages on the country growth.

Firstly, the different from the income make a huge impact on people's job chosen. As the development of technology day by day, human mind can easily be attract by everything. They tend to follow the trend which is popular among the society. Therefore, due to the low rate of money, people want to be famous to get rich. For example,now, youtuber is a famous and glorious jobs, men and women from all ages racing to make a youtube channel. As a result, the amount of public servants is reducing gradually and chances people being unemployed are at the high rate.

Furthermore, the minor rate of incomes can lead to many social issues. In particular, the politicians have high expect to afford things. This desire make public servants to receive bribery and corruption, which is banned in government. They use their power , their influence to achieved the things they can not publicly have. These lead to the decrease in trustful and loyalty between the citizens and the governor. After all, the country will have difficulty in improving it's aspect.

In conclusion, I think the situation that celebrities finances are higher than politicians has many opposite influence to the people in particularly and to the country speaking generally.

@khaitrinh
The introduction seems too short and not precisely focused on one issue - celebrities earning more than politicians.
However (,) I strongly believed that ...
The question was about money, not attention.

The conclusion does not make much sense, you were focused too much on creating complex sentences.
Typically recommended conclusions look like this:
1. A general statement, here you can paraphrase the problem again.
2. Answer the question from the prompt that you think it is a bad development that celebrities earn more than politicians.

Regardless of the error in your discussion format and presentation, the essay was never going to get a passing score anyway. The main reason that your essay will not achieve a passing score is because you failed to meet the minimum word discussion requirement for the essay. You should be writing anywhere between 250-290 words. You only wrote 239 words. The examiner will take one look at this and immediate deduct severely from the score due to the missing word count. Then, when you add the unrelated discussion format, which means you changed the discussion requirements for the essay, you will receive additional task deductions, which would leave you with a failing starting score. The rest of the scoring considerations cannot increase your score because you already failed the English comprehension part of the test. Your response is irrelevant to the discussion. Therefore, it cannot progress beyond the TA scoring section.

In my opinion, your introduction is really dubious. You just need to paraphrase the thread and off you go.
I believe if you want to get a high score in IELTS task 2, first, you need at least 3-4 solid ideas to expand. That will help you get around 270-280 words per essay.

Grammar also plays an important role in your essay. Check it carefully before submiting.
In addition, you should apply some formal phrases, which are suitable to the context, to boost your grade. (make a huge impact on --> cast a significant impact on)