IELTS- celebrities set a bad example to young people?

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
The following is my essay. Please kindly help me to correct it and give me some suggestions to improve

Modern celebrities are well known because they are rich rather than that they have great achievements. This has a significant impact on the young people.

Firstly, the opinion and personality of the young generation are affected by the reason that celebrities are famous for. Their glamour and wealth make young people believe that money is more important than the other things in their life, and consider the properties as a symbol of social status of a person. Consequently, people, including the young ones, tend to admire those who are rich rather than those who are talented and have outstanding achievements. Secondly, the behaviors of young people change according to the main reason that a person would be famous for. In fact, examples of the famous people who they believe to be successful guide them to behave in a similar way, in which they would like to make themselves rich rather do things that the society can benefit from. As a result, the creativity that is needed by different types of work are disappearing among the young people.

On the other hand, however, the rich and famous people set an example to the young people which motivates them to work hard. For instant, the wealth of Bill Gates encourage a great number of young people devote themselves into the development of modern technology. In this way, young people would be leaded to some important and less attracted works.

In conclusion, the celebrities are more famous for their properties rather for the achievements set a bad example for the young generation, though it affect them positively sometimes. In fact, a great amount of works which are important do not make people rich easily, and hence the young people tend to be not interested in them because of the "successful" examples for them.

Sam, while your paper does have grammar errors, we can't begin to fix those until you have perfected the content of your paper. So I will offer comments below to help you improve the content and correct the errors of your paper. The grammar can follow after.


- Sam, your introductory paragraph does not follow the essay writing rules. You need to restate or rephrase the essay prompt in the form of a discussion sentence, then offer your stand on the issue. You need to briefly mention the facts and supporting evidences that you will be discussing in the essay. The way you have your introduction right now does not follow that format and is therefore weak.

-Your first and second reasons should be discussed as two separate paragraphs because you are talking about two different topic sentences. You should never merge the two into a single paragraph. One topic sentence per paragraph. That helps keeps the reader on track while reading your paper.

- "The celebrities are famous for." Famous for what? You what is that sentence trying to convey? You mention famous people, offer examples of celebrities who are good and bad examples to set the tone for your comparison.


- Use "On the other hand" or " However", you cannot use both as words connote the same meaning. Bill Gates is not a celebrity in the sense that the word connotes in this essay. He is a noted businessman. Use someone else as an example, Perhaps JayZ or Madonna, Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus would be good examples to use.


- You concluded without ever giving your personal opinion. The essay clearly asked you to agree or disagree to a certain extent with the statement. Where is it? I think you need to revisit the way you wrote the essay in order to fall in line with the requirements of the prompt.