Unanswered [1]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 2


Since 20th century, some schools have started using online video games as an education tool



Saputra Putra 23 / 9  
Feb 2, 2016   #1
Some people regard online video games as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the young people who play them.

Since 20th century, some schools have started using online video games as this could be used to replace conventional tools of education. While it is true to some extent, I argue that such modern breakthrough gives a rise to significant problem as the impact of this leads youngster to sedentary lifestyle.

With concern to enhance dramatically youngster's capacity in some skills, online video games are offering an effective way. This is because such games have a huge possibility to be improved as a educational tool. Ammy Cuddy, a famous Harvard psychologist, reveals that an online video games give a totally control to youngster as a user to compete with other worldwide users. This results in young people enabling them to think critically about their case in game offered and expands their second language. However, this notion has brought demerit to lead them in sedentary lifestyle.

The effect of this notion becomes serious problem. There has been a large increase in health related disease among youngster, especially obesity, since such teenagers tend to lack of exercise. A 2012 Leeds University study found that 64 % of young gamers in UK were bound to spend almost their leisure time with indoor activity rather than outdoor. The outcome of this study shows that almost such gamers gained obesity. Endless to say that the obesity will get rid of a youngster's desire to be part with their peers, and eventually they are likely being unsociable person.

In conclusion, despite the fact that there are benefits playing online video games, I believe that more attention should be paid on youngster health development since such technology likely lead them to sedentary lifestyle.

putri22 33 / 32  
Feb 3, 2016   #2
Hi Saputra, i think your writing is good, there are only some corrections.
here they are

..some schools have started using online video games as this could be used to replace conventional tools of education. i think this sentence has different meaning with the question. the question does not mention about schools have started using online video games

an online video games give a totally control to youngster.. it can begive a total control / totally give a control

also you made much repetition in "sedentary lifestyle". perhaps you can replace it..


Home / Writing Feedback / Since 20th century, some schools have started using online video games as an education tool
ⓘ Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms for professional help:

Best Writing Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳