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IELTS, Change look is good or not?



agi 13 / 30  
Feb 28, 2014   #1
Hello All,

please feel free to comment on my essay.

Essay topic: People try to change their look by changing the colour of their hair using cosmetics, wearing jewellery or even having a plastic surgery done. Why do you think people do it? Do you think changing a look is good thing?

To compared with people's presence of 30 years ago, attitude toward appearance has increased dramatically. In the wake of popularity of cosmetic tools, survey and accessories, people become more concerned with their outlook, both men and woman. Some people think that the importance of beauty has severe impact on personal character and development. As far as I am concerned, paying more attention to one's appearance have positive impact on both personal attitude and performance. Reasons and examples will be outlined below.

To begin with, most people become more confidence with what they are doing, saying and hearing when they make up their face, wear some jewelry and having cosmetic survey to part of their body. Once self-esteem increases, individual's attitude toward outer world get charged with positive energy and then create confortable atmosphere with their surrounding area.

Furthermore, it is a fact that individual working performance increases when they feel comfortable with their outlook. As appearance become one of the important factor in people' relation, most of us are frequently going to spa center, buying jewelry items and considering to having plastic surgery. Particularly, in business field, conventional wisdoms says that 90 percent of business success is from clothing. Moreover, it is said that beauty saves the world as peaceful and calm environment comes with beauty.

Nevertheless, less concern over the personal good character like honest, humble, generous and so forth is being neglected once people are paying more attention to their personal appearance. As people get dressed well and boast with their beauty, they become more ambitious and superficial to others. Moreover, high amount of money spent on cosmetics instead of education and healthy life style.

In the conclusion, I am convinced that investment on our appearance have good impact on both personal and professional development and should balance of outer and inside good presence.

xsimio - / 3  
Feb 28, 2014   #2
To comparedComparing us with people's presencelook ...

...paying more attention to one's appearance havehad a positive impact ...

...and then create confortablecomfortable atmosphere with ...

...that investment on our appearance havehas a good impact on...
nightmare2k - / 5  
Feb 28, 2014   #3
Moreover, high amount of money spent on cosmetics instead of education and healthy life style.

This is a fragment.
Your writing has a good introduction. However, the following parts are somehow inflexible. Along with several wrong grammar points is the lack of support ideas. You should add some of them.
dumi 1 / 6795  
Mar 4, 2014   #4
To compared with people's presence of 30 years ago, attitude toward appearance has increased dramatically.

... wrong grammar - "when compared"/ "in contrast of"
Today the general attitude towards one's appearance is very different to what it was about thirty years ago.

Some people think that the importance of beauty has severe impact on personal character and development.

This is not said in your prompt. So you should have not said such things in the introduction, the objective of which is to introduce your prompt in its original sense to the reader.


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