IELTS Task 2 Writing : Charging with people for admission is a positive way to maintain a museum

QUESTION: MANY MUSEUMS CHARGE FOR ADMISSION WHILE OTHERS ARE FREE. DO YOU THINK THE ADVANTAGES OF CHARGING PEOPLE FOR ADMISSION TO MUSEUMS OUTWEIGH THE DISADVANTAGES?

Museum's tickets for free or not?

It is certainly the case that many museum charge with people who visit. I think that is advantage to people and museum mutually. In the following essay, I will give some of my opinions and reasons.

There are many museums and exhibitions being held by some personal artists and companies. Compared to governments, they have power depends on promote policy and foundation by tax. it is easier to achieve and construct a museum. On the other hand, the museum built by company that need to strike a balance between income and expenses carefully, If museums don't charge by the tickets. It might work in difficulty.

Another reason is about the safety. Tourists or visitors were gotten paid by museum, that will prevent some person who is a potential danger to the artwork, like kids. The incomes could enhance the security system.

In conclusion, charging with people for admission is a positive way to maintain a museum. Moreover, it will make the art industry get more improved and friendly. Having admission will reduce the number of visitor like some family, kids. But without kids laughing, I think it can make people feel atmosphere in museum more comfortable.

Can you mark me based on IELTS band score and give some advise.
Thank you.

I think you ought to combine this two sentences by using "which" or something else.
"It is certainly the case... I think that is advantage ..."
Your topic sentences had better be longer and somehow clearer.
"Another reason is about the safety."
Conclusion has its function is SUMMARY. You should not include new points here like
"Having admission will reduce ..."

Pei, I cannot give this essay a passing score because it will automatically receive a failing score of 1. That is the score that is given to any essay that does not meet the minimum word requirement of 250 words. You wrote 196 words so your essay is short of the requirement by 54 words. Appropriate TA point deductions will be implemented for the missing word count. That is why your work cannot receive a passing score. None of the paragraphs are fully explained, developed, and presented to the examiner. The work is sloppy. Once the word deductions are added to the other deductions based on the remaining 3 scoring considerations, there is absolutely no way that you can achieve a passing score. Always aim to write at least 250 words if you want to be sure of at least meeting the TA requirements and avoid point deductions for the missing word count. If you write 250 words, then your essay can be scored based on all 4 scoring considerations.