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[IELTS Writing Task 2] Too many people maintain their health by relying on doctors and medicine

trvaanh 10 / 20  
Apr 24, 2019   #1

Why patients must rely less on doctors

Topic: These days, too many people maintain their health by relying on doctors and medicine, rather than by following a healthy lifestyle. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Healthcare improvements have reduced the risk of so many serious illnesses that people nowadays tend to depend on their services. In fact, the values of keeping in shape is almost forgotten. I agree that doctors and medicine are considered to be the best method throughout the world today.

Firstly, well-qualified doctors and the scientific researches on pharmaceuticals reassure people. It takes at least 5 or 6 years training to become a doctor and also scientists have to do many experiments on the medicine before putting it into uses. For example, the rubella vaccine is widely used around the world after 10-year study. Thanks to its application, 95% of the world population have been saved. It is clear that patients feel secure when they follow the advice of doctors to cure their disease.

Secondly, building a healthy routine requires a lot of time and efforts while taking medicine helps people recover in a short period. Fitness centers have been established every corner of one city and attracted many people. However, they often give up after 1 month joining the sports centers because they get frustrated waiting for changes on their bodies. According to Queen's University's survey, only 10% participants continued the training course after the first month in SO gym. Obviously, people have a tendency to choose the easier path to keep fit which is making appointments with doctors rather than spending time to do exercise regularly.

In conclusion, the majority invest for health by taking medical care and pharmaceutical products instead of following healthy habits these days. I think it would be better if people participate in a health course or a sport club that helps to prevent illnesses because sometimes sickness cannot be cured.

Maria - / 1,099 389  
Apr 24, 2019   #2
I firstly recommend that you try to have more clarity when it comes to what you want to say in your essay. When you're rereading your essay as you are editing it yourself, always ask yourself the appropriate questions. For instance, if we were to take a look at your first paragraph, I can come up with the following questions:

1. What services in particular are people depending on?
2. What counts as a serious illness?
3. Why has the values of society shifted away from keeping in shape? What happened?

If you can answer these questions briefly, it can improve the content of your essay because it'll provide a more solid foundation.

I would also say that you have to be wary about your usage of verbs, especially when it comes to tenses. Always maintain consistency. If a sentence uses a singular noun/subject, use a singular verb. This rule should be applied throughout your essay.

If I were to revise your first paragraph, I can rewrite it as:
Improvements in healthcare have reduced the risk of illnesses such as [...], causing people to depend on the medicinal services. The value of keeping in shape is slowly deteriorating because of [...]. That being said, doctors and medical care are still the best method for health maintenance.

Notice how I tried to be more specific with the content while avoiding being redundant. Doing this can help your essay optimize its limited space through integrating these techniques and forms.

Let's take a look at your second paragraph. I would revise the second line as:
It takes roughly five to six years of training to become a doctor; medicine undergoes numerous laboratory experiments before being put to the market.

It is quite informal to use the numbers straight-up. Because of this, I would opt that you write down the entire essay - not unless you are required to do otherwise. I had also found it unnecessary to mention that scientists are the ones who conduct experiments considering that they are the only ones qualified to accomplish this type of work. If a portion of the information is easily known (general knowledge), then it is alright to omit it from your essay. This will save you words to be able to utilize that in correct ventures.

Keep these in mind as you are reviewing your essay. Best of luck!

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