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writing task 1: The chart shows the information about salt intake in the US in 2000.


yeonyi 1 / -  
Dec 1, 2023   #1
the bar chart illustrates the amount of salt that males and females in six age groups used in the US in 2000. Overall, males consumed more salt than females, while children under 6 years old used the smallest amount.

People in the group of over 6 used more than the suggested salt amount at 2500 milligrams except for females over 60 . In particular, males in the 20 to 39 age group consumed the biggest salt amount and the gap in consumption with females of this group was at 1500 milligrams. People in the groups of 12 to 39 and 40 to 60 had a similar figure for both of women and men respectively which was 3000 and more than 4000 milligrams. In addition, the gap in the group 6 to 11 and over 60 was lower and equal (around 1000 milligrams). All females from 6 to over 60 consumed the equal amount between 2500 and 3000.

The youngest age groups consumed less salt than the adults and the elderly. Boys in the under 6 age groups used less than the recommended salt consumption of about 500 milligrams. While girls of this group consumed the lowest amount in all of the age groups, around 1000 to 1500 milligrams.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,662 4753  
Dec 8, 2023   #2
People in the group of over 6 used more than the suggested salt amount at 2500 milligrams except for females over 60

I would like to call your attention to this presentation. It is confusing. You are focusing the reader's attention on the age group of 6. Yet you incorrectly referenced the age group. You actually did not reference the age group properly. Now, Seeing as you have presented this age group as the target of the paragraph discussion, it became confusing for me as a reader, to suddenly see the reference to those over the age of 60. Why was that reference necessary? You should have developed a clearer comparison sentence structure instead of connecting these different references in only 1 sentence.

The youngest age groups

What are the youngest age group? You are not really using the information provided in the image properly. You need to make sure to correctly indicate data for a better score. You should also make sure to review your work for proper English writing rules. You used lower case in an instance when upper case was required to start the sentence.


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