The charts below show the percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas of the world

Personally, although i write it, i don't think it is a good article. I think there are redundant in some sentence, can you give me an advice and the band score i may reach in IELTS ? I will very appreciate if you can do that, Thank you.

The charts below show the percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas of the world.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

comparison of water usage

The given pie charts show the proportion of three water usage in six area of the world. Overall, the common usage of water is for industrial and agriculture.

In terms of industry use, the illustration present the North America and Europe required more water for industrial than the South America, Africa and Asia. Both North America and Europe spent nearly half or more water for industrial, which is 48% and 53% in order, while South America, Africa and Asia spent between 5% to 12%.

For agricultural use, the illustration present a heavy use of water in South America, Africa and Asia. The agricultural sector spent more than 70% of water in this three areas, while North America and Europe spent less than 40%.

For domestic use, it was the lowest percentage of the usage of water in North America, Europe and South East Asia, which is 13%, 15% and 7% in order. On the other hand, it was second in South America, Africa and Central Asia, which in Africa and Central Asia, it just a slightly more than the industry use.

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@wuchunhung0927 You can probably score a 4 with this essay. The reason that I believe you can only get this score is because you did not accurately use all of the data that was provided in the pie charts and you did not accurately represent the requirements of the overview statement either.

The opening paragraph, also known as the summary overview, should have included a reference to the 6 countries that were to be compared, as well as the instructions regarding how the information given is to be compared and presented to the reader. Without these outline details, your summary was incomplete and not so informative to the reader.

You made references to possible figures on some parts of your essay. That is not necessary because the precise percentages were presented. Therefore, a sense of factual presentation should have been found in the paragraphs where the information is discussed. By the way, you left out a tremendous amount of information from the pie charts in your essay. That is why you feel like it is redundant and not so informative. Grouping the discussion by section of water use was a good move on your part. Not providing the percentages per country was a mistake. There were a number of observation and comparison points that you missed out on presenting because of that error in your presentation.

Not all of your paragraphs are complete. As far as the Coherence and Cohesiveness requirement of the essay is concerned, you are required to present complete paragraphs in order to prove a developed discussion. A complete paragraph carries a minimum of 3, maximum of 5 sentences with which to allow you to completely and accurately present the information previously provided.

@Holt
Thank for point out my mistake, I will improve my skill by using your advise and present it in the next article :)