IELTS task2 - Childen should/should not obey rules made by parents and teachers

Please check my writing for IELTS examination. Any comments will be greatly appreciated. Gratitude : )
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Topic:
Some people think that children should obey rules or do what their parents and teachers want them to do, but others think that children who are controlled too much cannot deal with problems well by themselves. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Child education is always one of the hottest topics discussed by many people, especially by parents. However, whether children obey the rules made by their parents or teachers is bitterly contested. In my view, I tend to agree that too much rules and instructions given to children would restrict their development.

There are several factors that make people believe the absolute obedience of rules is of necessity. Firstly, the rules made by experienced parents and teachers set up moral standards that children can follow. When they are under the control by well-constructed rules, children tend to be unlikely involved in delinquent or criminal acts. Secondly, following appropriate rules or guidance in childhood period means that children will be more adoptive to the workforce when they become adults. It is because most companies and organisations often have a series of policies which employees need to follow compulsorily.

On the other hand, I believe that independence for a child is a more important life skill and blindly following rules has a seriously negative impact on being independent. Although good rules can prevent children from some problems, it cannot be denied that no rule in the world is perfect, and rules are very hard to follow. For example, parents make rules to restrict the amount of playing time in most Asia countries, maybe in much of the world. However, it is a very doubtful practise as playing with other kids could benefit their children physically and mentally. Moreover, statistics have shown a profound link between high levels of obedience and lack of independence and creativity, of a child.

In conclusion, it is clear that freeing our children from rules is of many benefits. We should, however, remember the downsides it brought as well.

You have some grammar errors ...much
rules and instructions... You can't use much with countable nouns. Use many, a lot of... instead.

...Asia countries... Replace the 'asia' with 'asian'.

.... I prefer the word "strain" to "restrict" for this idea. Too much controls may strain one's creativeness and freedom. Also I included the word " personality" because this issue deals more with one's ability to grow as an independent person.


... You are giving very good reasons here, but you do not back them with specific examples. My feeling is that you can stop at giving one reason because you need to manage time also. However, support that reason with a more specific example because you would earn marks for that.