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[IELTS TASK 2] Children's engagement in paid work. Right or wrong?


SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 5, 2014   #1
Topic:In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility.

What are your opinion on this?


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Apart from those who are born with silver spoons in their mouth, there are many children who commit to paid jobs at an early age. While some people hold firmly to the belief that it is to the benefit of the children as they accumulate experience and lifetime lessons throughout working process, I profoundly disagree with this fact for specific reasons.

One can not argue certain advantages that early working brings about. By getting access to money through hard work, children will soon develop their materialistic appreciation, hence they will know how to pay properly. For example, they will refrain from buying, or asking parents, to buy such expensive toys or clothes. Moreover, being exposed to competitive environment, youngsters are provided with a golden opportunity to extend social relationships as well as being far more mature than those of the same age.

Nevertheless, letting or forcing children to work should be considered as morally wrong. Apparently, children deserve a peaceful childhood; a day consists of studying, playing with friends, eating and sleeping. Under no circumstances, personally, are children allowed to make a living, which will exert severe pressure as well as hinder their physical developments and scholastic performances.

Moreover, children are susceptible to social danger due to their vulnerability. They might get kidnapped, prosituted or cruelly punished during work. Those brutality may ingrain traumatic obsessions in their mind as they grow up.

All in all, working under payment has its pros and cons. However, from my personal view, it may yield more negative than positive results on children, which indicates that they should postphone working for cash until fully mature.

Hi everyone! Can you review, and rate (if possible) this essay for me? Welcome all comments and suggests :) Thanks a lot :D
tinubalde 1 / 7 1  
Jun 5, 2014   #2
Paragraph structure should be even but overall idioms are plus points as well as examples and experiences. :-)
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 5, 2014   #3
you mean...er... my paragraph lack those? I thought I have included a few examples didn't I?
yirunli 7 / 17  
Jun 6, 2014   #4
The forth paragraph seems shorter. I am not sure writing too many words will lower your grade.
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 6, 2014   #5
Well, It's just another idea to support the other side. According to my teacher, more words do not lower my score, it just makes it harder fo me to manage time I suppose?
fikri 5 / 317 71  
Jun 7, 2014   #6
your paragraphs seem unbalance, it will be better if you write the same sentences in most of your bodies except introduction and conclusion, so the readers will see that your points have balance explanation and maybe easier to understand
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 7, 2014   #7
Thank you Fikri, I know that it is unbalanced. But, what do you mean by writing the same sentences in most of my bodies except intro and conclusion? Does that mean I have to repeat some phrases?
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Jun 7, 2014   #8
born with silver spoons in their mouth

Many students use this idiom. You'd better create your own words.

commit something/somebody to paid jobs

can not

Write cannot

Under no circumstances, personally, are children allowed to make a living

Well, I think an inverted sentence cannot be used here.

physical developments

This cannot be used as a plural form.

postphone

Here is a spelling mistake

Those brutality

Write Those brutalities
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 7, 2014   #9
Well, I think an inverted sentence cannot be used here.

Well I understand every mistake you have pointed out. Thanks a lot! Really, thank you! But can you explain for me about your saying above? I mean why can't it be used?
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Jun 7, 2014   #10
But can you explain for me about your saying above? I mean why can't it be used?

Sure :D
Subject-auxiliary inversion after negative adverbials with no commas at all.
Study the following examples;
1. Under no circumstances are you to go out.
2. Under no circumstances are you allowed to disturb the racers. (You are not allowed to disturb the racers under any circumstances.)

Under no circumstances, personally, are children allowed to make a living

(Personally,) under no circumstances are children allowed to make a living, or
(Personally,) children are not allowed to make a living under any circumstances.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jul 1, 2014   #11
Well, in the intro, you support one side of the issue. So, I believe it is easier and more effective for you to keep justifying that side of the argument in your body paras. Then it helps reader to be convinced as to why you think that way. Talking about both sides can be waste of time in convincing the reader about your opinion unless your prompt asks you to discuss both views.


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