"children should manage their own money at the young age" - TOEFL

Agree or Disagree : in order to become financially responsible adults, children should manage their own money at the young age .

There is a general discussion on whether children should manage their money at the young age so that they could be financially responsible adults. as to this, different people may have different views due to their distinctive background, personal beliefs, emotional concerns and so forth. Those who advocate believe that it will cultivate the consciousness of financial management of children, people who critize argue that when children are not old enough, this pratice is not appropriate. Well, as far as I am concerned, I don't agree with this practice. my conclusion is reached from the following analysis.

In the first place, I don't think children at the young age could well manage their own money, they may waste it. Children like to get things that attract them most, such as fancy dresses, funny toys and delicious snakes. And most often the case, they soon lost interests in which that appealed to them at the very beginning. When they know they can possess all these with the money they have, they will spent on them without the least hesitation.

Besides, to let children manage their own money might somewhat mislead them and generally corrupt their values. When they spent money so arbitrarily getting what they want, they probably think money is the most useful thing in the world, and more likely, to show off in front of their friends how wealthy they are.

Admittedly, some parents hold the opinion that if children's money are taken away, it may deprive of the chance to let children become financially responsible adults. however, all these concerns are uncalled for, surely there are plenty other ways to achieve the purpose. for example, parents could set up a family education fund and contribute children's money to the fund for their further education. Or else, parents could tell children that there are lots of people who still live in extreme poverty, perhaps they can donate part of the money to help those in need.

In summary, based on the above-mentioned reasons, I don't agree children should manage their own money at the young age.

I AM BUSY PREPARING MY NEW TOEFL TEST. THIS IS MY FIRST ESSAY AND MY FIRST THREAD. I DO SINCERELY HOPE THAT SOMEONE COULD HELP ME IMPROVE MY ESSAY!

THANK YOU ALL!

There is a general discussion on whether children should manage their money at the young age so that they could be financially responsible adults. As to this, different people may have different views due to their distinctive background, personal beliefs, emotional concerns and so forth. Those who advocate believe that it will cultivate the consciousness of financial management of children, people who disagree argue that when children are not old enough, this pratice is not appropriate. As far as I am concerned, I don't agree with this practice. My conclusion is reached from the following analysis.

In the first place, I don't think children at the young age could well manage their own money, and they may waste it. Children like to get things that attract them most, such as fancy dresses, funny toys and delicious snakes. As is often the case, they soon lose interests in what appealed to them at the very beginning. When they know they can possess all these with the money they have, they will spent on them without the least hesitation. Thus,...

Besides, to let children manage their own money might somewhat mislead them and generally corrupt their value. When they spend money so arbitrarily getting what they want, they probably think money is the most useful thing in the world, and more likely, to show off in front of their friends how wealthy they are.(You can add an example. Like" you sister buys cell phone frenquently in order to compare with others....")

Admittedly, some parents hold the opinion that if children's money are taken away, it may deprive of the chance to let children become financially responsible adults. However, all these concerns are uncalled for, surely there are plenty of other ways to achieve the purpose. For example, parents could set up a family education fund and contribute children's money to the fund for their further education. Or else, parents could tell children that there are lots of people who still live in extreme poverty, perhaps they can donate part of the money to help those in need.

In summary, based on the above-mentioned reasons, I don't agree children should manage their own money at the young age.

Try to avoid some verbal saying like well.
Don't forget to capitalize the first letter of each sentence.
I think you could add more examples.

"their distinctive background, personal beliefs, emotional concerns and so forth"
--> their distinctive background, personal believes, emotional concerns, and so forth.

"management of children, people who critize argue that"
--> management of children. People who oppose may argue that

"Well, as far as I am concerned, I don't agree with this practice. my conclusion is reached from the following analysis."
--> As far as I am concerned, I do not agree with this practice. My conclusion is reached from the following analyses.

"When they spent money so arbitrarily getting what they want, they probably think money is the most useful thing in the world, and more likely, to show off in front of their friends how wealthy they are."

-->When they spend money so arbitrarily to get what they want, they probably think that money is the most powerful thing in the world, and are more likely to show off in front of their friends how wealthy they are. Also, your idea here is not very clear. What is the effect of showing their wealth.

"it may deprive of the chance to let children become financially responsible adults"
--> it may deprive children of a chance to become financially responsible adults.

Moreover, in the concluding paragraph, you should summarize your main ideas instead of using one sentence like that.

thank you!
your suggestions is very valuable to me