An IELTS task 2 essay on children under pressure in modern society

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial
perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

Burdened Children

Today many children find themselves stressed out because of pressure from by schools, companies, and society. While reasons for this vary, we can take some actions to help kids remove their emotional baggage.

A number of factors contribute to the pressure put on children in modern society. First of all, from the academic aspect, young students are forced by adults, such as teachers and parents, to study harder and get good grades. While this pressure is not intentionally harmful, it might create more anxiety for young students. Secondly, children can be abused by a huge crowd via social media. An innocent kid using Facebook can be attacked by Internet trolls and fall into depression, while the culprits remain at large. Regarding pressures caused by business, many children, who have no regular income, struggle to stifle their impulse to buy new and fancy things such as toys and clothing coming out every day. As a result, kids can feel disappointed if not satisfied, and in long term, this may lead to mental issues.

There are some endeavours could be done to reverse this alarming situation. Adults should encourage children to take part in entertainment activities such as sports or singing to divert them from academic pressures. In addition, a punishment system should be introduced to keep hate speech at bay and keep cyberspace a safe place for teenagers. Finally, the government may restrict commercials that target children as a way to help them cope with insatiable desires.

In conclusion, adults are responsible for the burdens put on kids today, and it is our job to make sure that every child has a carefree childhood.

Dan, while you are somewhat fluent in the English language, you apparently do not know the difference between formal English writing, which is the requirement for Task 2 essays, and casual (slang) English writing, which is never used in academic writing formats such as this test. Phrases such as "emotional baggage" are normally considered to be part of the slang side of the language. It is also incorrect to use that term in this essay because there are more than just excess emotional baggage required in the discussion. We are talking about pressure placed on children while excess baggage normally refers to "the feelings you have about your past and the things that have happened to you, which often have a negative effect on your behaviour and attitudes." You had the right idea but the wrong phrase used in this instance. Do not use English words, phrases, or colloquialisms unless you are absolutely sure of how it is used in a sentence and what the meaning of it is. Don't risk your LR and GRA score on it. Do not set out to impress, set out to clearly and coherently inform instead.

Now, this is an essay that could use a 3 reasoning paragraph format. There was no need to simply place your discussion topics into one extremely long, but little explained paragraph. As I said before, the rule of thumb is one topic, properly explained per paragraph. In this instance 2 paragraphs could have been used to explain the reasons with one paragraph left to indicate a general measure to reduce the pressure on the children.

It is because of these reasons that I can say your essay would have been better written if you had paid attention to the details which would have helped increase your score. Your trending problem in all your essays lies in your inability to create coherent and concise sentences and paragraphs. Work on that instead of constantly trying to show off your vocabulary. A good vocabulary and knowledge of English slang is useless if you cannot explain yourself properly so that other people can understand what you are trying to say.