IELTS: children should studying hard or playing sport? Both can improve their future

it is important that children should study hard at school. time spent playing sport is time wasted.
to what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your knowledge or experience.

Some people believe that studying hard is essential part for children, otherwise others people think that playing sport is waste of time. In my point of view, both of studying hard and playing sports are part of life to children.

On the other hand, studying hard will give children a better future. Studying hard gives children with a plenty of knowledge and skills for their future. Naturally, children will be growing up and looking for their job. For instance, children who always studying hard and getting high achievement, it will be easy to pass qualification for work and they are more likely to find great work at multinational company. If they working at multinational company as the result is they can earn higher salary. The message is when you always studying harder than others you will get best results.

At the same time, playing sports will give good effects on children. There are many popular sports among children such as football, basketball, and volleyball. Also, there are many benefit when children doing sport. Firstly, children who always playing sport like football, they will be active as a person and learn to become team-player. It will be good for children, because indirectly they will learn how to socialize each other as a team. That will make children getting lots of friends, so they can contribute positively to community. Secondly, playing sport makes children getting healthy and become children's well-being.

In conclusion, both studying hard at school and playing sports can improve children's future.

There are some grammatical errors :
1. is essential part for children -is an essential part of children's lives
2. otherwise others people think that playing sport is waste of time. -otherwise is completely wrong in this sentence. You could use on the contrary, in contrast, etc.

3. bothof studying hard and playing sports are part of life to children (children's lives).
4. On the other hand, studying hard will give children a better future. On the other hand needs one "On one hand" before being used. You can use On one hand, or something like this.

5. gives children with a plenty of knowledge and skills
6.-For- children who always studying study hard and getting get (though achieve great skills is better) high achievement, it will be easy to pass qualification for work

7. If they working at multinational company as the result is they can earn higher salary. - As the result of working in multinational companies, they can earn higher salary.

8. is when you always studying study
9. sports will give would have good effects on children
10. many benefit when children doing sport. - many benefits in children's doing sports
11. who always playing play sport -s-
12. , they will be
13. how to socialize each other as a team - does not make sense - maybe how to be sociable or how to be a good member of a team, etc.

14. will make children getting find lots of friends
15. getting get healthy
16. become children's well-being. become healthy, thriving, robust, etc. children

general tip : I believe you can develop efficiently on the topic; however, you need to work a bit on you grammar to avoid such tiny mistakes. Those mistakes, though minor, are not acceptable in an essay.

It seems that it's better for him to add a conj. like "and" before "they will be" rather than delete they