Children nowadays watch significantly more television than in the past, which reduces their activity levels accordingly.
Why is this the case?
What measures can you suggest to encourage higher levels of activity among children?
In today's world, the amount of time that children spend on television is higher than in former times, and it causes the level of taking part in the activity of children to decrease. This essay will first indicate that the major issues brought on by this phenomenon are the laziness of each individual and it is another way to learn, and it will then make the case that the best solutions involve the affect from parents and schools.
The first reason to explain this case is that children believe that they now have more means of entertainment than in the past, so they would prefer to watch television than join some activities. They might think that physical activity is something that uses up their energy or their time while watching television is more comfortable for them. For example, when you use all your dynamics for studying all day at school, definitely you might feel out of energy at the end of the day and just want to lie down and enjoy a movie rather than do some activities. Another reason is that they could watch television as a way to learn more about the world. Television is a device that includes a variety of information in all fields, if you use it with the correct purpose, it will help you a lot in enhancing your knowledge.
However, there are solutions to this problem. One of the ways to encourage children to do more activities is that parents should spend a little time taking part in with their children. If this happens, their children will have more enthusiasm to participate because parents play a crucial role in setting an example for them. By doing this, not only do the activity levels increase but also form a close-knit family. Moreover, schools are also key factors influencing their students to join activities more. For instance, teachers can organize a small competition between students in order to ignite their competitive spirit and cultivate sportsmanship. So that children could derive benefit from that and then change their mindset about participating in some activities.
In conclusion, it is clear that children do not find activities interesting enough for them, and they would watch television to study and entertain, which leads to a reduction in activity levels. Nevertheless, the issue can be solved with the help of co-operate by parents and creativity by teachers at school.
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The essay has a very strong prompt restatement and writer's opinion. However, it is tremendously overwritten to the point where I sincerely doubt that this sort of writing can be completed within 40 minutes during the actual test. You will actually score better if you keep your explanations concise, to the point, targeted. You do not need to overexplain as you are doing now. You just need to keep within the requirements of the sentences which are:
1. Topic sentence
4. Explain the example in relation to the topic sentence
That is all you need to accomplish to get a good score in the essay. Overwriting does not help you get a good score, it only opens you to more errors because the longer you write, the greater your tendency to fail at the individual scoring considerations.
First paragraph: not good job of paraphrasing. It is clear but you will need more advanced words, for eg: taking part in = opting for, 'effect' not 'affect'
In general, you have many grammar mistakes (prepositions, structures, etc). Sometimes your essay has good words and gives a clear description, but sometimes the essay is filled with too common words. Therefore, some sentences seem not to fit in well with others.
Some of your words are informal and not suitable for academic writing (phrasal verbs, or 'if' for example)
I think your essay has some problems as I have mentioned, but it is quite clear in ideas and I find it easy to understand what you are trying to explain. My suggestions for you is that:
- Read other essays to see how they paraphrase, the way they use academic words and grammar,etc
- Practice makes perfect, make sure your words are formal and suitable for the context given. Always check for grammar structures and do not use them if you are not sure
- Also, I do not see 'passive voice' structure in your essay, you should use it to widen your grammar structure ranges. Some structures are wrong (not only .. but also .., so that, etc)