Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 4


IELTS ESSAY: Children work for money varites from country to country.



rrivanh 2 / -  
Apr 20, 2011   #1
hi! everybody can help me to find out many my mistake. thanks a lot!

Topic: The age at which children are allowed to work for money varites from country to country. While some people believe it is wrong, others regard it as a valuable opportunity to gain experience of the work environment.

Discuss the argument for and against children paticipating in paid work.

Concerning the issue chilren participating in paid work, people hold different views. Personally, I firmly think that this statement is not totally correct, and will analyzed in the frame of the topic as follows.

I am certain that children work for money varies has brought out many benefits. The first of all, after finishing a traning course or holiday, children can can use their free time to earn money. Because, It helps them to learn about independent life and understand value of money that they are often recieved from their parent. Moreover, through variety of working which they have done from country to country, children have more opportunity to approach to the realities everyday life. These do not educate in their school such as culture, life style, cuisine, etc. The second of all, this is a good condition for them to share their feeling and information with other people in country where they come. therefore, children is not only widened their knowledge but also being educate about moral and responsibility with the public and family.

However, It can bring many problems. Firstly, more parents are worry about the passive effects of work for money to their children. if children spend too much time for working, they will leave out their learning in the school. Next, children still lack of both physical and spiritual development. So, they are not enough experience to meet the demand of work. In addition, they are easy to commit in their life. For example, children can become victims of the robbers or other crimes.

In conclusion, children want to work for money to have more effectively, they have to balance between working and learning. I hope that participating in paid work will contribute to increase the living standard of them.

sobin 12 / 24  
Apr 21, 2011   #2
is it necessary to express our view about the topic in the first para itself?
sobin 12 / 24  
Apr 22, 2011   #3
Personally, I firmly think that this statement is not totally correct, and will be analyzed in the frame of the topic as follows.

I am certain that children work for money varies has brought out many benefits.The first of all, after finishing a traning course or holiday, children can can use their free time to earn money.

Moreover, through variety of working, which they have done from country to country, children have more opportunityies

to approach to the realities everyday life.
[quote=rrivanh]These do not educate in their school such as culture, life style, cuisine, etc


The second of all, other than that this is a good condition for them to share their feeling and information with other people in country where they come

,

therefore, childrenisare not only widened their knowledge but also being educate about moral and responsibility with the public and family.

However, It can bring many problems

do we need this sentence?

Firstly, more parents are worrying about the passive effects of work for money toin their children

So, they are not enough experienced to meet the demand of work.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Apr 22, 2011   #4
Great ideas, Sobin! And I want to take a look at the first sentence:

Concerning the issue of children participating in paid work, people hold different views. Some people believe ____________ (Give the statement) Personally, I firmly think that this statement is not totally correct, and will analyzed in the frame of the topic as follows.--------I added a sentence in the middle of the paragraph so that you will see where you need to give the statement. Right now, you are talking about a statement in the intro paragraph but the reader does not know what the statement is.

:-)


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: Children work for money varites from country to country.
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳