Writing IELTS 1: Cinema attendance pattern which occured amidst the four of age groups in the UK

Q: The line graph below gives information on cinema attendance in the UK.

A breakdown of the percentage of cinema attendance in four age group in the Britain between 1990 and 2010, a 20-year period, is highlighted in the line graph. Overall, all of those classifications witnessed an upward trend. In any case, people aged 44-54 dominated above the other groups.

In the first ten-year period, there was no significant changes among all age groups although they rose slightly at 1995. Stood at 15% for the youngest group, and a quarter for people aged 24-34. Inhabitants aged 34-44 and the oldest one stood at approximately 35%. Although 44-54 age group remained stabil, adults aged 34-44 saw a reverse. It was dropped gradually by nearly just under one in twenty.

Moreover, in the next span, similar pattern occured amidst the all groups. All of the rate were increased dramatically from 2000 to 2005 by approximately 5%. Followed by the steady rose until all of them peaked around 5-8% from their first figure.

• 
  4_april_attendance_i.jpg
  

whats app Fudla your essay is good, i have a suggestion to your body paragraph.
1. you can make a grouping the information by time or group
2. body one for group one body 2 for group two.


My suggestion :
in body one : In a decade after survey there are some movements for the proportion of cinema attendance (1990-2000)
the second body : After that, in the last a decade before 2010, the level of audiences of cinema increased significantly (2000-2010)

Hi Fudla, your essay is actually clear and very informative. I like the way you push your effort to write some advanced vocabularies, which will not escape the attention of the examiner. However, those advanced vocabularies are not adequate yet, because the proportion is not balanced between advance and intermediate one. For instance, change = alter, approximately (you wrote it twice) = roughly, and many other possibilities to vary your range of vocabularies. Somehow, there are still some grammatical issues and few spelling mistakes in which penalizing your final score. Later on, try to be more aware of those problems. Now, for a breakdown of your grammar errors, with corrections applied.


four age groups


there were no significant changes


missing subject, 2000 stood at 15% for the youngest group and a quarter for people in the age group of 24-34.


Although the age group of 44-54 remained stable, adults ranging from 34 to 44 saw a reverse. (I modify the second clause to make a variation)


it was gradually dropped..


occurred


All of the rates were...


(missing subject)
It was followed by the steady rose until all of them peaked around 5-8% from their initial figure.