Hey all. This is just an essay that I wrote during a Peterson's Practice Test for the CLEP College Composition exam. This essay had to be written in 30 minutes, as will the essay on the actual test. I would appreciate any feedback, especially any that can help me improve my on-demand writing skills. Also, just a note, this essay isn't one that can be revised and submitted later. I have 30 minutes to develop a position based on the prompt, write, revise, and submit the essay. I would appreciate it if everyone would keep that in mind while providing feedback. Thanks!!
Assignment: Think carefully about the topic presented below, and write your response by hand on paper. You have 30 minutes to compose an essay which develops your point of view on this issue. Support your discussion with specific reasons and examples from your reading, experience, or observations.
Prompt: I don't care how poor a person is; if he has family, he's rich.
Essay
Oftentimes, people hear the word "rich" and automatically think in monetary terms. The word "rich" is commonly associated with large amounts of money and expensive possessions. Sadly, this is the only understanding of the word that many people have. People have things that bring them pleasure and joy; for some, joy comes about via money and possessions. However, others experience joy through relationships and by receiving spiritual, emotional, and mental riches. For this reason, any person, regardless of social status or the money they have, is rich if he has family.
Most humans seek joy and pleasure. It's our nature. It's how we live. It's almost become our purpose; to seek and achieve pleasure at any cost. All too often, people use mere things for pleasure, such as money, cars, etc. The problem is, those things can be taken away at any time. Those things can be broken at any time. One small spark can send it all up in flames, leaving the owner with nothing. Truthfully, none of it matters, especially if it can be replaced. The irreplaceable things are what matter.
There are different definitions of "family". Some say family is who you live with. Others say family is who you share blood with. I define family as the collection of people that will be there for me no matter what. When one experiences and prioritizes a family by that definition, life changes dramatically. Possessions can't give you something to laugh about. Possessions can't get you loved. Possessions can't be there for you when everything goes wrong. Family does all these things. This makes any man with a family richer than any amount of money and possessions ever could.
There are two main things people in today's world seek: relationships, and possessions. Those who seek possessions, they always need more. And on top of that, it can all be lost in an instant. However, relationships can't be lost, only broken. For this reason, I believe that any person that has a family is far richer than one without a family, regardless of the money either may have.
Greetings !
These are my comments :
- Few mistakes in grammar, Mistakes arise from more unusual/complex language use
- Some variety in sentence structure
- Some width in vocabulary can convey shades of meaning
- Relevant points.
- Some coherence in paragraphing
- Points are organized in paragraphs
- Essay is interesting
You did a good job If you wrote this essay in 30 minutes.
Did you obeserve your word limit ?
Regards
Isai
Thanks for your feedback Isai!! I found it to be very helpful. I'm working on my grammar, but it's a slow process given that it's not one of my strong areas. As far as the word limit, there is none on this exam that I am preparing for; only a time limit, which I am very thankful for at this point. Thanks again for your feedback!!!
Person = singular
they = plural
so... let's change this sentence:
For this reason, any person, regardless of social status or the money they have, is rich if he has famil y.
For this reason, any person, regardless of social or financial status, is rich if s/he has family.
Most humans seek joy and pleasure. It's our nature. It's how we live.--great variation of sentence length!
It has almost become our purpose -- to seek and achieve pleasure at any cost.
When one experiences and prioritizes a family by that definition, life changes dramatically. ---wow, another great sentence.
One of my favorite essays!
